The $100 Bet

One of my friends, who is also in our big group of "karaoke sluts", is one of the funniest people I have ever known. She is from Tennessee and her sense of humor is extremely quick and dry. She can make me laugh until tears are streaming down my face!

Every Friday and Saturday night I work as a karaoke hostess and she makes it SO fun (among all of my other friends who also do!) Each night is "Roast Tracy Night" thanks to "U" and she comes up with some pretty funny things. Her most recent big joke is our "$100 Bet". It started out just a joke between us. She teases me for being a flirt (honestly part of my job in the bar as the karaoke hostess) and for the honest "man playin'" that I did last year. Don't see this wrong now - I wasn't whoring around and sleeping my way through the bar, but I did have a couple of short term flings. Lots of the guys at the bar flirt with me as a way to no doubt boost my obviously sagging ego, and that makes "U" tease me even more!!

But I digress.. back to the bet....

When "U" found out that "B" and I are engaged she made all kinds of jokes about "B"s "competition". There honestly is NO competition, but she made it fun to make jokes about different guys supposedly being interested in me. She made me a personal bet of $100 that I couldn't stay faithful to "B" until June of 2009. I laughed so hard! I am totally devoted to my man and no one could come into that bar that would be risk losing "B".

Well, "U" in her normal fashion has now spread the news of our bet around the bar and actually tried to recruit guys to "help me lose"! LOL It's not like any of them would really take her up on it, but they love to play along and it's very funny. I've been collecting pics of the guys she is working on, and will post some... "U" is the one in the pink shirt, hiding her face. The guy in the glasses is my ex-husband, Jabba and the guy standing is another one of her would-be helpers.

It's now the joke of the bar that someone will make me lose that $100 bet and "U" is watching me like a hawk... LOL

I'm playing along with her and being my normal flirty self. "B" just chuckles... he knows how much I love him... :) I can't see anyone tempting me, but we'll go along with it.

Maybe slightly odd

It didn't really occur to me until we were walking into Safeway together... Here were three people going to buy some food for Christmas Eve. It just seemed like an odd combination when I thought about it.... As we walked through the store I had to chuckle when Jabba (my ex husband) showed me that he was wearing his pentacle ring. He's not out of the "broom closet" (as they call it). His Wiccan beliefs are private and his family and friends don't know about it. I'm not sure why he was being so "brave" right then, but alas, he was. As we came around a corner and saw a couple that we used to know from our Catholic Parish, I thought, "Wow... small world." When we ran into them again, they stopped me and re-introduced themselves to me. "Aahhhh yes - I remember you!" I said. They remembered the couple with all of the kids, and they immediately asked if the third person in our Safeway trio was one of our sons. I kind of stammered... Brenden is my son, but not really.. He's "B"s son, but I love him like my own. So I said, "Brenden is my fiancee's son" I said. The couple looked beyond puzzled... LOL Here I am, standing with my ex-husband and my fiancee's son and a cartful of groceries. That HAD TO look weird! LOL

It's all so natural to all of us. Jabba and B are best friends and his two sons know Jabba and he likes them both. I guess not too many broken families are this close. It might've looked odd to them, but it was really natural to all of us. :)

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Back Together Again

This is a sleeping Bruce. He's 1/2 Black Lab and 1/2 Tickhound. I never intended to own an additional dog, and I never intended to own a high energy dog like Bruce. I gave him his name just months earlier. He was born on December 24th, 2004 in Maryland.

Bruce was a tiny puppy when he was purchased and brought home by my beloved step-cousin/ex lover. Tim was a lifelong Navy man. He had piercing blue eyes and we were not blood related in any way. When we were young (19 and 21), we were very much in love. We dated for a couple of years on and off. It was hard to see each other since he was in the Navy and gone a lot. He finally got stationed on land in San Diego and I went to visit him for a week. We had an amazing time down there. He drove me home to Oregon when his "leave" (vacation) started and we had fun just driving up I-5 together. On the way home, Tim asked me to marry him. I kind of laughed it off, because I thought he was kidding. He wasn't. He told me that he had been in love with me for years and he wanted to be with me. My head just wasn't there. I was 19, dating and going to college. I also feared that Tim had a drinking problem like his father and I didn't want to live that way.

Years passed by and we would occasionally catch a glimpse of each other or ask about the other. He had told his mother (my step-aunt) that he would always love me and miss me. He didn't marry until he was in his 30s do to in his words "a broken heart". Years later he separated and made contact with me. I was flabbergasted! It was so good to hear his voice and I had been miserable in my loveless marriage. We began to reconnect, and we still had so much in common. He told me that he will always love me and that we should meet. I felt myself falling hard, but still wondered about the drinking. When I asked him about it, he told me that he really didn't drink anymore. I was really relieved to hear that. Sadly, little by little he started slipping the truth. He would talk about stopping on his way home from the bar to have a drink with his friends or to shoot pool. Then he would call sometimes and his speech was slurred and I knew he had been drinking... It broke my heart. I knew that it was hopeless, but he was so alone on the total opposite side of the country and I vowed to be there for him as a good friend.

Tim had never had any children and sometimes that made him sad. He decided to get a puppy for companionship as well as a "friend" to jog with. I warned him on the time requirements of a puppy and suggested an adult dog, but his heart was set on a puppy. He found one through a friend and we named him together over the phone. He would call me with questions and concerns and we talked about Bruce a lot.

Tim called me nearly everyday, and then all of a sudden he stopped. It was hard. I didn't know if maybe he had met someone or if he wanted some space. About 10 days later he called me telling me that he had been very sick for several days. He felt like he had the flu but it wasn't going away. I told him that I really thought he should go to the hospital, and then waited to hear more from him. A few days later I received a phone call that Tim was in intensive care at George Washington University hospital and not expected to live! Imagine what a shock that was! I completely melted down. I wanted to be by his side. I wanted to do something, tell him that I love him... SOMETHING.

Tim's bro (my step-cousin Pat) flew out to be by his side and I was so hopeful when Tim was still alive a couple of days later. He was only 43 and physically fit and strong, so he was fighting. I called Pat one night and asked him to hold the phone to Tim's ear. I told him in his coma that I love him and that i hope he gets well, but if that isn't to be, to go home and be at peace. Tim died shortly after that. My heart was truly broken and I felt a lot of guilt. Maybe he needed me and I wasn't willing to help him through his alcoholism. Maybe I could have done something... Tim died of Pancreatitis, due to his alcoholism at only 43.

Tim's mother sent me his Navy awards, dog tags and medals, and I cherish them still, but the most precious thing I got from Tim was Bruce. He was still a puppy then and I really don't like puppies, but being Tim's dog, I loved him. We took him to obedience classes, where he was the star (too bad he didn't behave like that at home!).

Yesterday, Bruce went home to be with his beloved owner, Tim. He was racked with arthritis pain and I could no longer bear to see him suffering. It has really opened up the pain of losing Tim again and I am grieving some, but I know I have done the right thing. The night before we put him to sleep, I had a dream. Tim came to me and told me that he is waiting for Bruce and that it's ok. It was as if he was here in the room with me. If yyou believe in a life after this one, you will know that it's entirely possible that Tim did indeed come to me. I miss them both terribly still but I know they are together on the other side, in full peace and happiness. One day I will run and play with both of them again.

Now that's love!

The snow is falling like crazy, the temps are in the low 20's (REALLY cold for us here) and the roads are compacted ice and snow and are full of Pacific NW drivers that don't know how to drive in snow, let alone ice!

Pitiful me... I'm usually a tough 'ol bird, but I have cramps that could bring down a logger. My poor man wants to help but doesn't know what to do. "What can I do for you, baby?" he asks. He had been rubbing my aching back for about 15 minutes already at this point. I can think of only two things to make it better. Neither one of them was currently in our house and neither one is something I should have... "Hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies!" I blurt.

Sweet B gets his boots on, coat on, and starts toward the door with me begging him not to go to the store for such silly things. Off he goes into the horrible weather and driving conditions. He's so good to me. I am not deserving of this sweet man!

Once I got the heating pad, the hot cocoa and about 3 yumm cookies in my tummy, I was feeling much better, or maybe it was having him snuggled up to me while we watched old home movies of his sons. Gawd, I love this man!

Unfair

UNFAIR. That's the only way I can describe the behavior of a man that I have known for over two years. I just really don't think I can or should go into the gorey details of how we came to know each other or what it all meant.

I lived a very strange and lonely life for 10 years. As I have mentioned before, I lived with a man that was not in love with me from the start. We lived in a "marriage" that was wrong from Day 1. On our honeymoon he never touched me. It broke my heart, so 4 years later we remarried to "correct" that pain. On that honeymoon he did the same thing and I knew then (12 years ago) that our relationship was very broken. I should've divorced him then, but I had 5 kids, had just lost a child and there was no way that I had the strength to do that then. I stuck with it and thought it was the noble thing to do.

After 10 years of being miserable, feeling alone with him next to me, feeling like I must be horribly flawed, unattractive and undesirable, I made the choice to find love and passion elsewhere to save my sanity and quite possibly my life. Please don't judge my poor choice. It was all that seemed clear to me then. I knew only that I had to rebuild myself for me and the sake of my children. I knew no other way than to find someone who would find me worthy of love and affection. Crying myself to sleep nearly everynight wasn't fixing anything. At that point in time I hadn't slept with my husband for 4 years. We had separate beds in the same room.

This man, who I will call "Don" was a miracle to me. He made me feel loved, warm, desirable and sexy. I began rebuilding and strengthening myself to divorce my husband. We met weekly, sometimes more, sometimes less. He works in Law Enforcement and he made it clear to me from the start that he didn't want a relationship with me. He was never going to remarry and he was not interested in juggling his highly demanding job, his 4 kids and 2 ex-wives and a girlfriend. I was fine with that at first. After several months I fell in love with him - HARD. He was the man who gave me my self-esteem and self-worth back. How could I not? When he realized what was happening in my heart he ended the relationship. It was horrible. I was thrown back into that darkness. We texted occasionally and I told him that I didn't believe he was "done with me" and that we should meet and talk. We did meet after a week or so. He made it clear to me that feelings and love have no place in our "friendship" and I agreed to keep it platonic in order to keep him in my life. I admit it now... Don was a drug. He made me "high", he made me whole and made me forget. I needed him, a "fix", much like an addict.

After a few more months Don changed. He began to cuddle me, to spend more time in bed, to be even more concerned with my needs (even though it's not like he ever was inconsiderate. He was always amazing). I knew by his kiss, by his bear hugs and his words when we were intimate that he was falling in love! He still worked hard to keep it platonic and when he felt we were getting too close or attached he wouldn't text or see me for a week or two to cool things off (in his head at least). I finally got the courage up one night and I wrote him a very long letter (like 6 handwritten pages!!) telling him that I knew he was in love with me and that he shouldn't be afraid. I really felt then like we deserved a chance at a relationship. He read the letter and sat there, speechless. I asked him if he wanted to talk about it and he said a quick "NO". I asked him to then at least let me know if I was crazy or was I right - did he love me? He only replied, "No, you're not crazy". He kissed me and we made amazing love that night.

I worked for a couple of weeks not to mention the letter. I knew that he might run again. I asked him one night while we were texting if he was going to run and he replied, "I'm not running". I felt a glimmer of hope then. I figured at some point this man would let down his guard and give "US" a chance. One day I worked up the courage to ask him if he was going to consider a real relationship with me. He replied that "our lives are too complicated and that things are great the way they are". My heart sank and that's when I decided that I needed to move on and date. I started the process of ending my marriage and I started dating. I found that most men out there that are my age and single are single because they're creeps. Don asked me about the other men. It didn't bother him that I was dating (or so he said) and I think he knew that my heart was his.

When I met my fiancee, I wasn't looking anymore. I felt very much that I was destined to be alone and I had given up, although I was still visiting Don on occasion. When B and I started really getting serious, I talked to Don and told him. I told him that our friendship was either going to have to morph or end. After that talk, Don suddenly began expressing his feelings a little bit for me. He texted frequently and called me even on occasion (something that was too much like a boyfriend for him to ever do before!). It was hard for me and confusing. To this day he continues to text on occasion and he is very sweet to me. He recently has had a return of testicular cancer and has elected not to treat it at this time. He may die from this and it's really upsetting to me. I want to be there for him but I know that it's not appropriate with B in my life.

For over two years I have waited to hear that this man loves me. He has admitted within the last three months that he "cares for me" and that was a HUGE win in my column. I never thought I would hear that much from him. Tonight he texted me and said, "You know I love you.... as a friend". My heart sank. I never thought I would hear those words, even combined with "friend" from him. A little piece of me felt so sad.

I ADORE B and I am very happy, but here is this man that meant so much to me and I waited so long for him to open up and give me a chance, and now he does it when I can no longer give him love back. How freaking unfair! I wish he would've just kept those words to himself. I keep thinking about him now. He is in a city about 5 hours from here right now for some training and he invited me to come and stay with him for a couple of nights. LIKE I WOULD DO THAT TO B? Aaaaccckkkkk....

I guess trying to stay friends with someone you have been intimate with is much harder than I had realized... :(

What do YOU do?

I have always been a very huggy, kissy type. When my children leave to go somewhere, I really like at least a good hug. My teenage and now older boys always have to grumble but they know it's part of mom and they put up with it.

My sweet fiancee isn't always on the same page. I don't mean to sound like a shrew but his ex-wife seems to me to be quite a cold fish. He has on occasion left for shopping or tennis without saying good-bye to me, which really freaks me out! Tonight he left for work (his 2nd job) and he didn't say "I love you" or "good-bye". I felt so sad. The roads are a sheet of ice and it's not even 20 degrees outside. We don't normally get this cold and we're admittedly not that used to driving in these conditions. I was worried about him. What if something happened to him on his way to or from work and he hadn't said, "I love you" before he left? :( Am I big goofball, or do some of you do the same thing? Do you always say the "I love yous" and "goodbyes" when your significant other leaves the house?

It's OVER

Back in November my divorce was scheduled to be final. November 8th to be exact. I thought it was over and lo and behold, it wasn't!

First we forgot to sign one paper, so they sent it to us via email and we took care of it. Then there was a two week backlog. Ugggghhh! Then, the day it should've been signed, it wasn't! Two pieces of paper (out of the 30+) were missing and needed to be filled out as well as one more form that had to be signed and notarized. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! I just wanted this to be over.. final.. DONE.

Well, FINALLY, it's over. Our divorce was signed on December 8th. It feels weird, good, sad, scary... but I am finally officially SINGLE. I feel like I should have a party or something!? It would be hard to pull off since my ex-husband is one of my closest friends and he would probably be invited by a mutual friend. LOL I have tried to spare his ego and feelings throughout this whole thing. I have never expressed to him how happy I am to be free of all of the pain, loneliness or bitterness of our marriage. I have always only told him how hard it is to know that the man I planned on spending my life with is not going to be the one I spend my life with. So to celebrate and party now with his knowledge would be unkind and cold as far as I can see.

So it's just over. Sixteen years of marriage and seventeen years of a relationship --- over. Divorce really sucks. I am disappointed in myself. I wanted to be married forever. I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't cry myself to sleep almost everynight anymore. I guess I shouldn't beat myself up. My sanity and happiness ARE important.. FINALLY. It still just stings.... :(

OUCH.. that was my heart!

Children.. we love them! We care for their every need until they can fly from the nest on their own. We give until we can give no more without thanks. We love and accept and support them through every endeavor, even the ones that we know in our heart are plain old stupid.

Being the mom of 8 living children, I am very aware of the pains involved in raising children. Kids will love you sometimes and other times break your heart. Sometimes breaking isn't enough and they stomp on it too... The love in a large family is wonderful, but what stinks about a large family is you have so many more children to stomp on that 'ol heart. When more than one at a time stomps, it hurts massively.

My oldest 4 children have a different father than the second 4. They know no other father than my ex-husband though and they have always called him "dad'. All 4 of them are angry with me lately. I imagine that they are upset about the divorce, even though they know well how miserable my life was with him. Not one will express to me what is making them so angry and unkind, which is about par for young men, I know. It's just hard to feel the brunt of their anger on my own. They make such unkind comments and they are very distant.

My heart knows that they love me and that they will come back to me, but that doesn't seem to help the pain I feel right now. I'm not looking forward to Christmas with all of them as it is right now. I can see it will be painful at best. I plan to continue to love them and let them know how much. I will be there as I always have been, through every crisis they have. It's always been me that they run to when they are stressed, brokenhearted or in need, and that will never change. Hopefully one day they will see the smooth transition that their father and I have made, and the way I continue to be there for him and respect the decision I made for their younger siblings that so deserve to have a real father before it's too late....

Dammit!

I felt a smug little bit of security knowing all this time that my fiancee's ex-wife was labeled by his sister and friends as "not as pretty... much larger...looks so much older..." and I know.. it was petty and crappy of me, but I felt good about that! Here I am -- NOT a small thing myself.

Well, guess what? His ex-wife is having gastric bypass surgery tomorrow and now she's going to be a skinny bitch! It's stupid, I know, but now I am going to keep wondering if he wishes he had stayed with her. He's going to be stuck with a fat chick now, because of me.... :( I feel like crap. I just want to hide under a rock somewhere. People are going to be saying, "Why would B leave his skinny wife for that heifer?" and it kills me inside to know that. After having 10 children my metabolism is at nearly zero and because of my Rheumatoid Arthritis, excersise is really painful. I want that damn surgery for ME!!! :(

I am soooo envious right now...

Secret Handfasting

B and I are planning our handfasting ceremony. We have decided to marry alone (with only the clergy and the required 2 witnesses) in a very intimate Wiccan ceremony in March. We met on March 22nd, so we are going to try to make this happen on March 22nd. We plan to marry in front of family and friends in the Summer sometime as well, but this will be our own private ceremony to seal the commitment and bond we have made to each other.

Handfasting is an ancient Celtic tradition. Commonly, couples would be "handfasted" for a year and a day as a "Betrothal" period. If they still wanted to be together, they would be married. The couples hands were joined with loosely tied cords or ribbons during the ceremony to symbolize the joining of their lives, which gives us our contemporary phrase "tying the knot" for getting married. Pagan religions, such as Wicca, use this ceremony symbolically as well as legally (when performed by a licensed clergy member) to commit man and woman to a married state.

B and I performed our own private handfasting in August. It was a full moon, in the middle of the night in a lightning and thunder storm. We stood skyclad (naked) in my private, fenced worship area (garden) and dedicated ourselves to each other. It was amazingly spiritual and has brought us to new heights in closeness. This is partly why we have decided to have an official, legally binding ceremony of the same sort in March.

Here is a sample Handfasting ceremony that I found online. It's not the whole thing, but gives you the feeling...

Grounding, spoken by Priestess:In the name of the Ancient Providence, Who was from the beginning and is for eternity,Male and Female, the Original Source of all things; changeless and eternal. In the name of the Goddess of magick and love, and the God of the Underworld. In the name of the Four Quarters and their Guardians. Blessed be this place, and this time, and they who are now with us.
Quarter Calls, and God and Goddess calls, spoken by Priest (P) and Priestess (Ps):
Ps: Guardians of the East, Lords of Air, join us today, as we unite two lovers. Grant them intuition, knowledge, and the ability to learn from each other. Witness our rite, and guard this Circle. Blessed be.
P: Guardians of the South, Lords of Fire, join us today, as we unite two lovers. Grant them passion, creativity, and keep the fire of their life safely lit.Witness our rite, and guard this Circle. Blessed be.
Ps: Guardians of the West, Lords of Water, join us today, as we unite two lovers. Grant them nurturing, peace of soul, and a deep, abiding love for one another.Witness our rite, and guard this Circle. Blessed be.
P: Guardians of the North, Lords of Earth, join us today, as we unite two lovers. Grant them stability, solidity, and the knowledge that they are a part of all. Witness our rite, and guard this Circle. Blessed be.
Ps: I invoke thee, and draw thee down, Mighty Mother of us all, by bud and stem, by leaf and tree, join us! Harken to our call!
P: I invoke thee, and call thee in, Horned Father of us all, by seed and root, and flower and fruit, join us! Harken to our call!
Priestess & Priest each hold an end of the wand with the rings.
P: We are gathered in this sacred place to join this man and this woman, life to life and spirit to spirit.
Ps: Place your right hands over this wand and your rings, his hand over hers.
P: Is it your wish, (Bride), to become one with this man?
Bride: It is.
Ps: Is it your wish, (Groom), to become one with this woman?
Groom: It is.
P: If any would ask why these two should not be joined, let them stand before the Gods and those assembled here and speak now.
Challenges now ensue. These are serious, yet can be somewhat humorous. Each of the four Quarters in turn will put forth a challenge to be met. When these are done, others may be encouraged to challenge the couple. These challenges are done widdershins in order to banish all doubts and obstacles.
North voice:I would speak. Do they have the means to support themselves and to provide for their worldly needs?
Ps: Do you?
Bride and Groom: We do.
West voice:I would speak. Do they love one another? Do they LIKE one another?
P: Do you?
B&G: We do.
South voice:I would speak. Do they have the will to argue, if they must, to air their problems, then stand together against adversity?
Ps: Do you?
B&G: We do.
East voice:I would speak. Do they share their thoughts and ideas, burdens and dreams?
P: Do you?
B&G: We do.
A pause follows. Others may give challenges if they wish. When the challenges have all been met, continue.
Ps: All the challenges have been answered. Do you still wish to be married?
B&G: We do.
P: Then step forward, and hear sage counsel and advice.
P reads from Wilferd A. Peterson's The Art of Marriage:
The little things are the big things.It is never being too old to hold hands.It is remembering to say "I love you" at least once a day.It is never going to sleep angry.It is at no time taking the other for granted; the courtship should not end with the honeymoon, it should continue through all the years.It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.It is standing together facing the world.It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family.It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy.It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.It is not expecting the husband to wear a halo or the wife to have wings of an angel.It is not looking for perfection in each other.It is cultivating flexibility, patience, understanding and a sense of humor.It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow.It is finding room for the things of the spirit.It is a common search for the good and the beautiful.It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal, dependence is mutual and the obligation is reciprocal.It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.
Ps reads from Kahlil Gibran On Marriage:
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.But let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you.Love one another, but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.And stand together yet not too near together: for the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
P: Now, the binding shall be made.
The cords should be brought up, one by one, and tied on. Priest and Priestess shall say the meaning of each, as it is tied.
P: White, for true love, devotion, and protection.Ps: Blue, for honesty, peacefulness, and devotion.P: Green, for abundance, luck, and prosperity.Ps: Red, for passion, deep emotions, and joyous union.P: Purple, for meditation, spirituality, and power!
Once Bride and Groom are tied, they are blessed with the Elements, deosil this time, to infuse them with the powers of the Elements.
Ps: Your love is as the wind, rapturous and all-encompassing.B&G are fanned with a feather.
P: Your love is as a flame, illuminating your lives and warming your hearts.B&G are circled with the fire candle.
Ps: Your love is as the sea, constant and ever-changing.B&G are sprinkled with blessed water.
P: Your love is as the earth, solid and firm.B&G are sprinkled with salt.
B&G should hold the ends of the wand, facing the guests, eyes on their rings.
Ps: Yet your love extends beyond the wind, flame, sea, and earth;it is greater than who you are and meaningless without you;it is more powerful than your past,yet the foundation of your future.
P: Your love has brought us here today, to become one in the eyes of your family and friends, for many days to come. Your love is the essence of your lives. Your love enhances and renews the love of those who witness it.
Ps: You have answered our challenges with good grace. Now you must answer the challenges you give to each other.Now you must share your vows.
G: Will you, (Bride), take my hand and explore with me the limitless wonders of our world?
B: I will. Will you, (Groom), promise to share with me your own discoveries and new perspectives on life?
G: I will. Will you, (Bride), work with me to broaden our horizons continually and expand the boundaries of our lives?
B: I will. Will you, (Groom), live with me to the fullest, for all the days we share?
G: I will.
B: Then I, (Bride's full, legal name), offer to you, (Groom's full, legal name), all that I am, all that I may encounter, and all that I may become.
G: And I, (Groom's full, legal name), offer to you, (Bride's full, legal name), all that I am, all that I may encounter, and all that I may become.
B&G: Let us explore together the infinity of our love, from this day forward.
The rings should be exchanged now.
Ps: All Father, Mighty Mother: We ask that the promise and hope of this marriage be fulfilled.
P: May the happiness and intimacy of this time be recalled, many times.
Ps: May this marriage be a course of independent strength and will; a center and respite from endless turning; a still reflection of connected lives; a pleasant recollection of the past; and a ribbon of bright love through the future.
P: May this couple's anger at themselves and the world be honest and lively; may silence and despair never separate them; may they always return to each other.
Ps: May their lives lie quiet beneath the flow of change.
P: May their friends welcome them again, in other times and other seasons.
Ps: We ask this in the names of the God and the Goddess, from whom all things proceed, and unto whom all things return. Blessed be!

There's more but this gives a good sense of what it's about. I am really excited to do this and we have both begun preparing our clothing for the ceremony. We will both be wearing medieval-type clothing. Mine will resemble my Wiccan/Christian faiths intermingling but both of us will be renaissance. I will certainly post pics when I have them and further details as I get them.

Major Breakthrough

For months the memories of "him" (aka "J") have haunted me. I have worked hard to move on and I have screwed up a few relationships because of the pain of losing him. I have been madly in love with my fiancee since July. I have been totally happy with him and I am sure that he is the man that I will spend the rest of my life with. One tiny little piece of me hadn't let go though of "him".

I would hear a song and think of "him". I would have a dream about "him" and I thought of "him" every single day. I knew that I loved my man enough and that J was in my past. I knew that J and I would never be together again. I just felt like a little part of me still belonged to J. I really felt like J would always hold that piece of my heart. I felt guilty about it and I struggled with that a lot. I even considered ending my relationship with "B" (my fiancee) because I really felt like he deserved a woman that could give him 100% of her heart. I never wanted him to be second best or holding that 2nd Place trophy...

Time has healed the wounds though. I had to grieve. I had to cry and scream and beat on things. It took me a little over a year! I never thought I would make it but the other night it happened... Something broke free in me. I knew it right away. I burst into tears and I felt soooo good! I grabbed "B" and kissed him with a new passion - one even more intense than the amazing love we have already shared. I think it surprised even him! I told him the whole story... how I had considered ending it and why and how now I know that I love him 100% unconditionally! It feels amazing. Everything is deeper, richer, brighter. I am going to be ok now. I have the most amazing man that loves me unconditionally. We share a deep, passionate and amazing bond that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

LIFE IS GOOD and I am ok without "J" in my life!!!!!!

(Doing the dance of joy now!)

Missing him...

My love starts Job #2 at 4am tomorrow. I'm so sad, and I can't seem to shake it. I admire him so much for his determination to make ends meet. It's not like he's working to give me the money, but he's trying to get his own personal debt in control *before* we get married. He has taken responsibility for his poor spending habits "pre-me" and that's noble, but now I get to pay for it too.... by not seeing him.

We enjoy our time together sooo much and it already felt like we had little of it. My mom and I had been very close and we saw each other almost everyday. She was much like a sister to me until she met her boyfriend. He doesn't like me, so now she has turned her back on me. I can't count on her to help pass the hours without him anymore.

He's now going to work from 4am to at least 9am (some days it will be later), sleeping from the moment he comes home until 1pm and then he will leave again at 2pm to work from 3pm-Midnight at his other job. So when he is home, he will literally be only sleeping. :( I know. I need to "nut up" or "suck it up" and stop whining. I've just been so lonely and so miserable in a marriage with a man that was NEVER in love with me. I finally have a fantastic relationship and now I don't get to see him. It's a little tough on the spirit. It seems that often this is the way life is... "You can't have it all". Well, at 44, I am damn ready to have 98% of it! I've certainly done my time in the barrel.

If he can make it through this grueling schedule, he will do this until the beginning of January. In March it will start again... It's time to get a spell together for the financial freedom to NOT have to live like this!

What is love (My musings)

Love...

I'm Sicilian, which means I am passionate about life. I love men the way I love nice clothes and cooking - DEEPLY and intensely! LOL If I feel the spark, I will continue to dig before I determine whether or not to proceed with my feelings. I'm sure lots of other people are the same way. Once I love though, it's INTENSE. I devote my entire heart and soul into the relationship and ask "only" the same from my man. I say "only" because that in itself is a lot to ask. It's a tough road for the average man. My needs and expectations are high to say the least. At least I'm honest about them! I was thinking about my love today. He's gone to work and I miss him like crazy. I have been thinking about all of the things that I love about him. What else would you add to my musings today?

Love is...

Thinking of the curve of his lips all day long.. watching him sleep peacefully next to me.. making his favorite meal just because.. not mentioning it when he leaves his undies on the floor.. holding his hand in the car, just because.. walking in a thunder storm, rain pouring down on us.. ignoring the muscle bound jock that just walked by in respect for your man.. kissing every part of his body (and I mean every) and loving every inch.. taking care of him even when you feel like crap yourself.. making sure you have his favorite foods in the fridge all the time.. praying that he will stay healthy and alive for oh say the next 40+ years!.. wanting to share all of life's joys and sorrows with just him.. feeling a tingle with just the touch of his lips to yours.. smiling at odd times because he came through your mind.. laughing at every joke he makes, even those really corny ones.. accepting his family without reservation.. rubbing him down after a long day's work.. smiling when you hear a song that reminds you of him.. picking a zit on his back without being squeamish at all.. waking up in the morning smiling just knowing that he is the world..

It's Over

Yesterday my divorce was final. Sixteen years of marriage and six children and it's all over. I feel mostly happy, somewhat relieved and hopeful. A tiny piece of me is sad but only a tiny bit. Life is going to change even more than it has in the last 90 days, and I know some of it will be hard, but overall I have the chance for happiness now and my children have the hope of a wonderful father that loves, nurtures and supports them! Wow... Life, here I come!

Cow Pissin' & Pool

Sundays are my days to have lunch with my soon to be ex-husband and do a little shopping. Even the days when he has the kids, we make sure and have that time together. He needs my support right now (he's madly in love with a married woman) and I am his "wing man" in the situation. We laugh a lot and it's totally friendship - nothing more. Our marriage was the same thing, but that's for another blog... LOL My man is working, so it's not like I'm taking time away from him. :)

So today we decided to go with three other mutual friends to shoot pool and drink beer in a small town nearby called Kapowsin (aka Cow pissin). It's out in the sticks and it's a great small town place with only locals there usually. As we walked in, a guy was walking out. He was handsome, although grubby and looking very "local". As my girlfriend Unity walked in, he said, "Bingo!" and then as my soon to be ex walked in, "Bingo!" again. As our friends Debbie and Taz walked in, he said "Bingo!" loudly two more times. As I came through the door last, he yelled and "BOINGO!" LOL I chuckled as I walked by and he tipped his hat. I thought little of it, but then told Unity that from now on my nickname will be BOINGO!

After a few minutes, this guy came back in and sat at the bar. I went up to order a Pomegranate & Raspberry Michelob Ultra (YUM!!) and he asked if he could buy me a drink. I politely told him that he shouldn't waste his money. He asked why and so I told him that I am happily engaged and that I didn't feel like I should accept his drink. I just couldn't see taking his money when I am not interested or available - maybe I'm a dork...?

He came over as I was shooting pool and said, "I don't want to embarrass you, but I have to tell you that you are absolutely f**king gorgeous".... LMAO LMAO... Obviously the man was drunk or something! He was very sweet though and introduced himself to me. He told me to tell my man that he is a "LUCKY MAN!" LOL I had to chuckle but thanked him for his sweet comment. I'm not used to that kind of attention! He explained that he had been divorced for 3 years and hadn't been with anyone since his marriage ended (I call BS on that one, but anyway...) He asked if I would take his phone number in case it "didn't work out with my man"... LMAO Who paid this guy to make my freaking week?

We had some of their famous pizza and a few beers and it was great fun. We sorta brightened the place up with our loud laughter and jokes. It was a hoot! I of course invited everyone in there to come to the Pheasant Palace for karoake one night and there was one of my regulars there too! Small world!

My point...? It felt good to have that attention from a man. My self-esteem has been in the toilet for a long time and it makes me feel great to know that someone thought I was worthy of that attention and I just wanted to share. :)

He came across my mind again today....

I was driving home from a doc appointment this afternoon and a song came on the radio.... tears filled my eyes and I started crying.. HARD. It's been awhile since "he" came across my mind strongly enough to make me cry. Maybe I just needed the release?

"He" is the man that I was to marry. "He" is the man who claims to have loved me for now 28 years. "He" is the man that broke my heart into several pieces, never to be whole again.

To save the typing, I will quote one of my previous posts on my other blog to explain who "he" is.

"I have come to understand that I was highly blessed with finding the absolute true love of my life. I am bitter and sad to acknowledge that he will never be mine. I do admit though that many people never find that one person that touches their soul, that fits them PERFECTLY in every single way. I had this man in my life for one year (a little under I guess).It all started when I was only 17. My second REAL boyfriend was named Jerry Reynolds. He worked at Farrell's ice cream parlor with me and I loved him madly. He was tall, handsome, smart and on his own. I fell HARD and he fell HARD for me. I went to my Junior Prom with him. It was one of the most special nights of my life. I felt so loved, and safe. It was amazing. Here's a pic of us from that night..We dated for about 8 months. I went with him to visit his mother on several occasions. She had MS and was in a nursing facility. She could barely communicate with me, but I felt an incredible bond to this woman from Day 1. Looking back, I think now that Lolita felt that spiritual bond that Jerry and I had even then.Jerry and I spent an amazing 8 months together. I would sneak out at night, and he would walk down our long gravel driveway, to escort me back up to it to his waiting car. We would spend the nights together, and then I would sneak back into my house, without waking mom and dad. I was exhausted in the morning for school, but happy.Jerry was highly motivated and very ambitious. At the time I remember thinking that this guy was content to work in the food service industry and that wasn't too appealing. I was so naive. This man was on his way up in the world.When Jerry was promoted to a managerial spot at a sister restaurant, I grew concerned that he would find another girlfriend. I was so insecure at 17. He would talk about his coworkers and I would get more and more jealous and more and more insecure. One day I decided to end the relationship for a coworker at my restaurant. He was right there - easy! It was hard for me. I grieved that incredibly close relationship that we had. Jerry struggled much more. He hadn't had any plans to meet or date anyone else. He was heartbroken and he was suffering tremendously. He would leave red roses on my car when I worked shifts and he would call and almost stalk me. It scared me, and it shouldn't have. One night he showed up at my car door as I got in. He demanded to talk to me and I denied him. He begged me to talk to him, and I told him to go. He through himself onto the hood of my car as I tried to back out and leave. I kept screaming for him to get off of my car, and he just wouldn't. It was a huge parking lot, and sadly he didn't let go until I was well into 2nd gear. It's a wonder he wasn't seriously injured!After that whole incident, I lost touch with him. I went about high school, college and began having my children with my husband (who interestingly enough was my very first boyfriend!). My high school sweetheart marriage didn't work out and I then remarried. That marriage is sour at best, and I have been miserable for more than 10 years now. Last year, Jerry made contact with me on My Space. He said that he had never forgotten me in 26 years and that he had been looking for me. He and I began to email and then talk on the phone. It was as if our love had never changed! He still remembered everything about me. My likes, favorites, hobbies, dislikes, etc. He knew it all and still loved me! As the weeks passed, it became very clear to me that this man was a perfect match for me in ALL ways. We were head over heels in love all over again. The only problem... We are both married. Although I would leave my "husband" in a heartbeat, he could not see a way to leave his 3 children. They live in Montana and their mother is not emotionally stable. He couldn't break their hearts for his own happiness. His wife is emotionally unavailable to him and they are not intimate. I met her one day when I attended her garage sale, and she seemed very pleasant, but Jerry told me that she is very fake and actually a very UNpleasant person. Their relationship is over, but he is going to stay there for his children.We continued to see each other for many months - him flying me out to his hometown to see him at least once per month. He is a very successful realtor there. We spent honestly some of the best days of my life together there. We went for long drives, spent time on his boat and soaked each other up. The love and intensity was something I have never experienced, and doubt I ever will again. My soul dances in his presence and I am complete, peaceful and joyful when I am with him. Here are some pics of our times together. He fills me with security, love and joy. He told me that I am his soulmate - the love of his life. Our connection was so deep - definitely spiritual.After awhile, Jerry very unselfishly told me that we should break it off. It broke my heart more than words will ever be able to describe. He really felt that I should find love with someone unattached that can give me everything full time. I was willing to wait for this man, the love of my life, for many years if necessary, as long as I was going to end up with him! He refused to allow me to put my life on hold for him. He slowly but surely has eliminated himself from my life to allow me to find love elsewhere. What he doesn't understand is that never will I find a love like the one that we have. I will go to my grave loving this man. Nothing can ever change the love we share. I know that this has been tremendously tough on him too. I have never been so depressed, and honestly many times would've considered suicide had it not been for my children.Forever, my love. You will remain in my heart along with all of the joyous memories I have. Tooling around in your Avalanche, seeing Glacier National Park, antique shopping in Polson, getting splashed by the big waves on Flathead Lake in your boat, endless love everywhere from your home to our hotel, visiting your mother's grave and thanking her for praying for us to be back together, singing "I Will Always Love You" to you in the karoake bar in Polson and driving home late that night, crying in the dark of the truck as I was realizing more and more that you were indeed really going to let me go....I am moving on now. I am leaving the pain behind me more and more every day. I know that you are thinking of me, and I will always think of you. You always were the smarter of us, and you have so much wisdom. I have found a good man that deserves a fair shake at this and I am going to bury my heartache and move forward as you wanted me to. No one will ever love me as you have, and no one will ever again love you as I do. I wait in hope of our souls once again being together in heaven one day!"

So that's the story of who "he" is. My heart has healed some since I wrote that original post. I am without a doubt totally in love with the man I am engaged to. He is more of a man than Jerry was, and loves me unconditionally. I am very blessed to have him, and I love him dearly. It's just that I know there's a man out there that knows me better than anyone else in the world, and promised to marry me and love me forever. I believed in him, in us, in forever. I knew that he was the man that I could live with for the rest of my life, and it all crumbled around me. I guess it's pretty normal that a song here and there might reduce me to tears.

I would like to be able to forget him and move on - never crying again - but I'm not sure that I will ever be able totally forget. He's out there in Montana, without me and hopefully coping well and I am here, moving on and blessed with the love of a wonderful man. Time - please help me to forget!

The final touches

Call it weird, call me bizarre... it's ok. I can take it. :)

I sat down at dinner tonight with my soon to be ex husband. We had to iron out the final child support and parenting plan paperwork for our divorce. The rest of the papers were filed with the courts weeks ago. These last parts have to be filed now, 10 days before it is officially final.

We had already "hammered out" (so to say) the details. I just wanted to confirm with him how he wants to pay me - through the State or through me - and a few other minor things. It went super well. We always talk reasonably through these discussions. He is very good to me and the kids. He has all the money, but he's not unwilling to make sure his children are well cared for. I admire him for his generosity and I respect him for it. So, we got it all worked out and I will finish the paperwork myself tonight and tomorrow. Then all I have to do is send it in with a $25 Money Order and it's going to be over. It seems kind of anti-climactic... just mailing it in like a mail order purchase... I started to cry a little at dinner, and he sweetly took my hand from across the table. I looked into his eyes and he was crying too. It's wonderful parting as friends, but sometimes very painful too.

Sixteen years, the birth of 6 children, and the death of two of them, and it's just over. OVER. My heart is relieved. My soul is now being nourished, my ego rebuilding, my children loved and being fathered for the first time. It's such a good thing, and yet so very sad too. We always talked about the sweet life we would have once the kids were grown and gone. Time for just us - finally! As we hugged good-bye in the driveway, he whispered in my ear... "We were supposed to get old together..." We both cried HARD and then said goodbye.

It's such a bittersweet time, and so packed full of emotions....

Doin' the dirty

Having just come from a completely passionless, romance-less, intimate-less relationship, I admit that I am hungry for lovin'. My ex husband was a slug in the bed and out. We didn't even sleep in the same bed ever for the last 4+ years of our marriage. His idea of sexual satisfaction was LITERALLY 3 minutes from start to end (for him always successfully of course). I don't think in my daydreams I could make up a worse lover. The man didn't believe in wasting his erection with foreplay and frankly he was too lazy to do it anyway. I was forced to be satisfied with his 3 minutes once every 2-3 weeks. If I was "lucky", he would use a vibrator afterwards to at least let me get "something" out of the whole 3 minutes of "romance".

Entering into a loving, warm, intimate relationship with my boyfriend has really thrown me for a loop. He's so passionate and caring. He absolutely refuses to do a "quickie" ever and he spends copious amounts of time with foreplay. I am without any doubt more sexually fulfilled than I have ever been in my life, which only seems fair after living with the 3 minute slug and the loneliness of that life. Anyway, I am wondering a lot lately if there is something wrong with my appetite. When B moved in, I was thinking that 3 times a week would be like heaven. I was thrilled to find that he wanted it more like once a day (at least!). I kept making jokes, telling him that he would tire of that pace and that he would be happy with 3 times a week after a few weeks. Well, after a few weeks, we have gone to about 10-12 times a week! I know part of it is that he is trying his best to please me. He knows how long I have lived without love and romance in my life, and he's succeeding in making up for years of that. That being said, we honestly seem to have that "honeymoon mentality" in a big way though! I find myself thinking about him and wanting him all the time! I feel like an 18 year old kid again - full of hormones or something! I can't imagine that this pace will continue for much longer, but maybe....?

Has anyone got any idea of when I might settle down and be able to concentrate on life again or am I just a closet nympho.....? Hhhhmmmmm..... scary thought....

Forever?

As my divorce to husband number two is nearing it's finality, I have been thinking a lot about my choices in men. I guess after two failed marriages that I intended to last forever, I am feeling a little bit like there is a severe flaw in my ability to choose a good partner. In my defense, I am a highly analytical person and I evaluate and take apart just about everything I do in a day. Marriage is a sacred and very special thing to me, and I always dreamed of having that 50th anniversary with the man I married FIRST. I have dated plenty and I have certainly ended lots of relationships with men that were too controlling, too ignorant, too selfish, too self-occupied, too arrogant, too UNambitious, too unable to commit... you name it! I'm certainly not one to fall for the first man I meet and I am definitely NOT one to marry someone on only the basis of love! I know better than most that love will NOT carry a relationship. There's so much more to it!

I am currently engaged to a man that I have been seeing for 7+ months. He's everything that I have longed for, with one big exception - - He doesn't make a lot of money. In every other way, emotionally, physically, sexually, educationally - he is my ideal. I keep worrying a little about the money situation. I'm not so shallow as to think that money brings a happy marriage, but when you have 8 children (6 still at home), money IS important. My fiancee has a job where he works hard and gets paid poorly for it. He has a big debt load and he has no retirement. I'd be lying if that didn't scare me! At 44, I would sure like to have a man with some financial security...

This flaw being said, I am also not naive enough to think that there is one perfect man out there who has it ALL. I can step back and be mighty objective and really this man is far above average as men go.

Husband number one was my high school sweetheart. We married when I was 20 and we loved each other deeply, or so I did. After a few years of marriage and 4 children, he decided that my new plumper "mommy body" was no longer attractive to him. He began shunning me - no sex, no cuddles, no kissing... He then began to get more and more angry and then physically abusive. We fought in high school, but not physically. I guess I should've known he couldn't communicate and I shouldn't have married him in the first place.

Husband number two was very attentive, tried to be romantic and was a great stand-in father for my 4 children. He seemed almost perfect. He got a great job, worked hard and has been a great provider. He also stopped being physical with me after about 6 years. He rejected any efforts I made or attempts to be romantic. He gained about 150 pounds and began lying around the house, playing video games or watching t.v. ONLY. He did absolutely no maintenance around the house, did not EVER play with the kids, and ignored our relationship until I felt totally alone right next to him. This man did a complete about-face after marriage. I couldn't see that one coming, so I'm not sure how that was my fault, but somehow I blame myself for making him a human slug. :(

What I'm wondering is... for those of you that are blissfully married, DID YOU MARRY YOUR HUSBAND KNOWING HE WASN'T EXACTLY PERFECT? Did you marry him knowing his flaw(s) and still find that the depth of love you shared was enough to make your marriage last? I REALLY don't want to get married and blow it again. I want to be married for the rest of my life. I want to grow old with this man and enjoy our grandchildren together! I would sure appreciate some wisdom from those of you that are married happily. I'm scared to death of making another mistake.

Real or not?

Have you ever noticed that other people love differently? I mean have you found that one person may seem to love unconditionally, deeply and eternally and another is just as happy with a spouse or boyfriend and they only seem to love at a more surface level?

My soon to be ex husband is madly in love with a married woman that I really like. She's hip. pretty and a lot of fun. It's just that he has been "in love" with this woman for a few weeks and just learned her last name a week ago.... Is it possible to love someone that you don't even know? He doesn't know her favorites, her hang-ups. her habits, her talents or even her last name and he's "in love" with her???

I know.. it's not my place to judge or guess.. it's just that he and I are still very close friends and he shares all the details of their relationship with me. I can't help but compare their budding relationship to what I have and have had. The reason he and I are getting divorced is because he was never IN LOVE with me. I lived a miserable, lonely existence, always knowing that I was not the one for him. It was extremely painful. Now I am just wondering if this man doesn't yet know what REAL love is....? It seems he jumps and forces feelings before they are even there. Again, I KNOW - Who am I to judge? Maybe this is the love of his life that he has found! I just am having a hard time believing that this could be the real thing.

I have always taken more time in developing my feelings and my relationships. I have had many fizzle because we just weren't compatible or the feelings just weren't there. I don't give my heart easily, but once I do it's DEEP and it's emotionally charged - straight from the heart and soul.

I guess I have to go back to not judging others' relationships. What makes them happy is what is important. If this is what works for them, it's good. Right? I'm just kind of glad that I have found a deep love with a fantastic man!!! :)