He came across my mind again today....

I was driving home from a doc appointment this afternoon and a song came on the radio.... tears filled my eyes and I started crying.. HARD. It's been awhile since "he" came across my mind strongly enough to make me cry. Maybe I just needed the release?

"He" is the man that I was to marry. "He" is the man who claims to have loved me for now 28 years. "He" is the man that broke my heart into several pieces, never to be whole again.

To save the typing, I will quote one of my previous posts on my other blog to explain who "he" is.

"I have come to understand that I was highly blessed with finding the absolute true love of my life. I am bitter and sad to acknowledge that he will never be mine. I do admit though that many people never find that one person that touches their soul, that fits them PERFECTLY in every single way. I had this man in my life for one year (a little under I guess).It all started when I was only 17. My second REAL boyfriend was named Jerry Reynolds. He worked at Farrell's ice cream parlor with me and I loved him madly. He was tall, handsome, smart and on his own. I fell HARD and he fell HARD for me. I went to my Junior Prom with him. It was one of the most special nights of my life. I felt so loved, and safe. It was amazing. Here's a pic of us from that night..We dated for about 8 months. I went with him to visit his mother on several occasions. She had MS and was in a nursing facility. She could barely communicate with me, but I felt an incredible bond to this woman from Day 1. Looking back, I think now that Lolita felt that spiritual bond that Jerry and I had even then.Jerry and I spent an amazing 8 months together. I would sneak out at night, and he would walk down our long gravel driveway, to escort me back up to it to his waiting car. We would spend the nights together, and then I would sneak back into my house, without waking mom and dad. I was exhausted in the morning for school, but happy.Jerry was highly motivated and very ambitious. At the time I remember thinking that this guy was content to work in the food service industry and that wasn't too appealing. I was so naive. This man was on his way up in the world.When Jerry was promoted to a managerial spot at a sister restaurant, I grew concerned that he would find another girlfriend. I was so insecure at 17. He would talk about his coworkers and I would get more and more jealous and more and more insecure. One day I decided to end the relationship for a coworker at my restaurant. He was right there - easy! It was hard for me. I grieved that incredibly close relationship that we had. Jerry struggled much more. He hadn't had any plans to meet or date anyone else. He was heartbroken and he was suffering tremendously. He would leave red roses on my car when I worked shifts and he would call and almost stalk me. It scared me, and it shouldn't have. One night he showed up at my car door as I got in. He demanded to talk to me and I denied him. He begged me to talk to him, and I told him to go. He through himself onto the hood of my car as I tried to back out and leave. I kept screaming for him to get off of my car, and he just wouldn't. It was a huge parking lot, and sadly he didn't let go until I was well into 2nd gear. It's a wonder he wasn't seriously injured!After that whole incident, I lost touch with him. I went about high school, college and began having my children with my husband (who interestingly enough was my very first boyfriend!). My high school sweetheart marriage didn't work out and I then remarried. That marriage is sour at best, and I have been miserable for more than 10 years now. Last year, Jerry made contact with me on My Space. He said that he had never forgotten me in 26 years and that he had been looking for me. He and I began to email and then talk on the phone. It was as if our love had never changed! He still remembered everything about me. My likes, favorites, hobbies, dislikes, etc. He knew it all and still loved me! As the weeks passed, it became very clear to me that this man was a perfect match for me in ALL ways. We were head over heels in love all over again. The only problem... We are both married. Although I would leave my "husband" in a heartbeat, he could not see a way to leave his 3 children. They live in Montana and their mother is not emotionally stable. He couldn't break their hearts for his own happiness. His wife is emotionally unavailable to him and they are not intimate. I met her one day when I attended her garage sale, and she seemed very pleasant, but Jerry told me that she is very fake and actually a very UNpleasant person. Their relationship is over, but he is going to stay there for his children.We continued to see each other for many months - him flying me out to his hometown to see him at least once per month. He is a very successful realtor there. We spent honestly some of the best days of my life together there. We went for long drives, spent time on his boat and soaked each other up. The love and intensity was something I have never experienced, and doubt I ever will again. My soul dances in his presence and I am complete, peaceful and joyful when I am with him. Here are some pics of our times together. He fills me with security, love and joy. He told me that I am his soulmate - the love of his life. Our connection was so deep - definitely spiritual.After awhile, Jerry very unselfishly told me that we should break it off. It broke my heart more than words will ever be able to describe. He really felt that I should find love with someone unattached that can give me everything full time. I was willing to wait for this man, the love of my life, for many years if necessary, as long as I was going to end up with him! He refused to allow me to put my life on hold for him. He slowly but surely has eliminated himself from my life to allow me to find love elsewhere. What he doesn't understand is that never will I find a love like the one that we have. I will go to my grave loving this man. Nothing can ever change the love we share. I know that this has been tremendously tough on him too. I have never been so depressed, and honestly many times would've considered suicide had it not been for my children.Forever, my love. You will remain in my heart along with all of the joyous memories I have. Tooling around in your Avalanche, seeing Glacier National Park, antique shopping in Polson, getting splashed by the big waves on Flathead Lake in your boat, endless love everywhere from your home to our hotel, visiting your mother's grave and thanking her for praying for us to be back together, singing "I Will Always Love You" to you in the karoake bar in Polson and driving home late that night, crying in the dark of the truck as I was realizing more and more that you were indeed really going to let me go....I am moving on now. I am leaving the pain behind me more and more every day. I know that you are thinking of me, and I will always think of you. You always were the smarter of us, and you have so much wisdom. I have found a good man that deserves a fair shake at this and I am going to bury my heartache and move forward as you wanted me to. No one will ever love me as you have, and no one will ever again love you as I do. I wait in hope of our souls once again being together in heaven one day!"

So that's the story of who "he" is. My heart has healed some since I wrote that original post. I am without a doubt totally in love with the man I am engaged to. He is more of a man than Jerry was, and loves me unconditionally. I am very blessed to have him, and I love him dearly. It's just that I know there's a man out there that knows me better than anyone else in the world, and promised to marry me and love me forever. I believed in him, in us, in forever. I knew that he was the man that I could live with for the rest of my life, and it all crumbled around me. I guess it's pretty normal that a song here and there might reduce me to tears.

I would like to be able to forget him and move on - never crying again - but I'm not sure that I will ever be able totally forget. He's out there in Montana, without me and hopefully coping well and I am here, moving on and blessed with the love of a wonderful man. Time - please help me to forget!