The $100 Bet

One of my friends, who is also in our big group of "karaoke sluts", is one of the funniest people I have ever known. She is from Tennessee and her sense of humor is extremely quick and dry. She can make me laugh until tears are streaming down my face!

Every Friday and Saturday night I work as a karaoke hostess and she makes it SO fun (among all of my other friends who also do!) Each night is "Roast Tracy Night" thanks to "U" and she comes up with some pretty funny things. Her most recent big joke is our "$100 Bet". It started out just a joke between us. She teases me for being a flirt (honestly part of my job in the bar as the karaoke hostess) and for the honest "man playin'" that I did last year. Don't see this wrong now - I wasn't whoring around and sleeping my way through the bar, but I did have a couple of short term flings. Lots of the guys at the bar flirt with me as a way to no doubt boost my obviously sagging ego, and that makes "U" tease me even more!!

But I digress.. back to the bet....

When "U" found out that "B" and I are engaged she made all kinds of jokes about "B"s "competition". There honestly is NO competition, but she made it fun to make jokes about different guys supposedly being interested in me. She made me a personal bet of $100 that I couldn't stay faithful to "B" until June of 2009. I laughed so hard! I am totally devoted to my man and no one could come into that bar that would be risk losing "B".

Well, "U" in her normal fashion has now spread the news of our bet around the bar and actually tried to recruit guys to "help me lose"! LOL It's not like any of them would really take her up on it, but they love to play along and it's very funny. I've been collecting pics of the guys she is working on, and will post some... "U" is the one in the pink shirt, hiding her face. The guy in the glasses is my ex-husband, Jabba and the guy standing is another one of her would-be helpers.

It's now the joke of the bar that someone will make me lose that $100 bet and "U" is watching me like a hawk... LOL

I'm playing along with her and being my normal flirty self. "B" just chuckles... he knows how much I love him... :) I can't see anyone tempting me, but we'll go along with it.

Maybe slightly odd

It didn't really occur to me until we were walking into Safeway together... Here were three people going to buy some food for Christmas Eve. It just seemed like an odd combination when I thought about it.... As we walked through the store I had to chuckle when Jabba (my ex husband) showed me that he was wearing his pentacle ring. He's not out of the "broom closet" (as they call it). His Wiccan beliefs are private and his family and friends don't know about it. I'm not sure why he was being so "brave" right then, but alas, he was. As we came around a corner and saw a couple that we used to know from our Catholic Parish, I thought, "Wow... small world." When we ran into them again, they stopped me and re-introduced themselves to me. "Aahhhh yes - I remember you!" I said. They remembered the couple with all of the kids, and they immediately asked if the third person in our Safeway trio was one of our sons. I kind of stammered... Brenden is my son, but not really.. He's "B"s son, but I love him like my own. So I said, "Brenden is my fiancee's son" I said. The couple looked beyond puzzled... LOL Here I am, standing with my ex-husband and my fiancee's son and a cartful of groceries. That HAD TO look weird! LOL

It's all so natural to all of us. Jabba and B are best friends and his two sons know Jabba and he likes them both. I guess not too many broken families are this close. It might've looked odd to them, but it was really natural to all of us. :)

Merry Christmas, everyone!

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Back Together Again

This is a sleeping Bruce. He's 1/2 Black Lab and 1/2 Tickhound. I never intended to own an additional dog, and I never intended to own a high energy dog like Bruce. I gave him his name just months earlier. He was born on December 24th, 2004 in Maryland.

Bruce was a tiny puppy when he was purchased and brought home by my beloved step-cousin/ex lover. Tim was a lifelong Navy man. He had piercing blue eyes and we were not blood related in any way. When we were young (19 and 21), we were very much in love. We dated for a couple of years on and off. It was hard to see each other since he was in the Navy and gone a lot. He finally got stationed on land in San Diego and I went to visit him for a week. We had an amazing time down there. He drove me home to Oregon when his "leave" (vacation) started and we had fun just driving up I-5 together. On the way home, Tim asked me to marry him. I kind of laughed it off, because I thought he was kidding. He wasn't. He told me that he had been in love with me for years and he wanted to be with me. My head just wasn't there. I was 19, dating and going to college. I also feared that Tim had a drinking problem like his father and I didn't want to live that way.

Years passed by and we would occasionally catch a glimpse of each other or ask about the other. He had told his mother (my step-aunt) that he would always love me and miss me. He didn't marry until he was in his 30s do to in his words "a broken heart". Years later he separated and made contact with me. I was flabbergasted! It was so good to hear his voice and I had been miserable in my loveless marriage. We began to reconnect, and we still had so much in common. He told me that he will always love me and that we should meet. I felt myself falling hard, but still wondered about the drinking. When I asked him about it, he told me that he really didn't drink anymore. I was really relieved to hear that. Sadly, little by little he started slipping the truth. He would talk about stopping on his way home from the bar to have a drink with his friends or to shoot pool. Then he would call sometimes and his speech was slurred and I knew he had been drinking... It broke my heart. I knew that it was hopeless, but he was so alone on the total opposite side of the country and I vowed to be there for him as a good friend.

Tim had never had any children and sometimes that made him sad. He decided to get a puppy for companionship as well as a "friend" to jog with. I warned him on the time requirements of a puppy and suggested an adult dog, but his heart was set on a puppy. He found one through a friend and we named him together over the phone. He would call me with questions and concerns and we talked about Bruce a lot.

Tim called me nearly everyday, and then all of a sudden he stopped. It was hard. I didn't know if maybe he had met someone or if he wanted some space. About 10 days later he called me telling me that he had been very sick for several days. He felt like he had the flu but it wasn't going away. I told him that I really thought he should go to the hospital, and then waited to hear more from him. A few days later I received a phone call that Tim was in intensive care at George Washington University hospital and not expected to live! Imagine what a shock that was! I completely melted down. I wanted to be by his side. I wanted to do something, tell him that I love him... SOMETHING.

Tim's bro (my step-cousin Pat) flew out to be by his side and I was so hopeful when Tim was still alive a couple of days later. He was only 43 and physically fit and strong, so he was fighting. I called Pat one night and asked him to hold the phone to Tim's ear. I told him in his coma that I love him and that i hope he gets well, but if that isn't to be, to go home and be at peace. Tim died shortly after that. My heart was truly broken and I felt a lot of guilt. Maybe he needed me and I wasn't willing to help him through his alcoholism. Maybe I could have done something... Tim died of Pancreatitis, due to his alcoholism at only 43.

Tim's mother sent me his Navy awards, dog tags and medals, and I cherish them still, but the most precious thing I got from Tim was Bruce. He was still a puppy then and I really don't like puppies, but being Tim's dog, I loved him. We took him to obedience classes, where he was the star (too bad he didn't behave like that at home!).

Yesterday, Bruce went home to be with his beloved owner, Tim. He was racked with arthritis pain and I could no longer bear to see him suffering. It has really opened up the pain of losing Tim again and I am grieving some, but I know I have done the right thing. The night before we put him to sleep, I had a dream. Tim came to me and told me that he is waiting for Bruce and that it's ok. It was as if he was here in the room with me. If yyou believe in a life after this one, you will know that it's entirely possible that Tim did indeed come to me. I miss them both terribly still but I know they are together on the other side, in full peace and happiness. One day I will run and play with both of them again.

Now that's love!

The snow is falling like crazy, the temps are in the low 20's (REALLY cold for us here) and the roads are compacted ice and snow and are full of Pacific NW drivers that don't know how to drive in snow, let alone ice!

Pitiful me... I'm usually a tough 'ol bird, but I have cramps that could bring down a logger. My poor man wants to help but doesn't know what to do. "What can I do for you, baby?" he asks. He had been rubbing my aching back for about 15 minutes already at this point. I can think of only two things to make it better. Neither one of them was currently in our house and neither one is something I should have... "Hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies!" I blurt.

Sweet B gets his boots on, coat on, and starts toward the door with me begging him not to go to the store for such silly things. Off he goes into the horrible weather and driving conditions. He's so good to me. I am not deserving of this sweet man!

Once I got the heating pad, the hot cocoa and about 3 yumm cookies in my tummy, I was feeling much better, or maybe it was having him snuggled up to me while we watched old home movies of his sons. Gawd, I love this man!

Unfair

UNFAIR. That's the only way I can describe the behavior of a man that I have known for over two years. I just really don't think I can or should go into the gorey details of how we came to know each other or what it all meant.

I lived a very strange and lonely life for 10 years. As I have mentioned before, I lived with a man that was not in love with me from the start. We lived in a "marriage" that was wrong from Day 1. On our honeymoon he never touched me. It broke my heart, so 4 years later we remarried to "correct" that pain. On that honeymoon he did the same thing and I knew then (12 years ago) that our relationship was very broken. I should've divorced him then, but I had 5 kids, had just lost a child and there was no way that I had the strength to do that then. I stuck with it and thought it was the noble thing to do.

After 10 years of being miserable, feeling alone with him next to me, feeling like I must be horribly flawed, unattractive and undesirable, I made the choice to find love and passion elsewhere to save my sanity and quite possibly my life. Please don't judge my poor choice. It was all that seemed clear to me then. I knew only that I had to rebuild myself for me and the sake of my children. I knew no other way than to find someone who would find me worthy of love and affection. Crying myself to sleep nearly everynight wasn't fixing anything. At that point in time I hadn't slept with my husband for 4 years. We had separate beds in the same room.

This man, who I will call "Don" was a miracle to me. He made me feel loved, warm, desirable and sexy. I began rebuilding and strengthening myself to divorce my husband. We met weekly, sometimes more, sometimes less. He works in Law Enforcement and he made it clear to me from the start that he didn't want a relationship with me. He was never going to remarry and he was not interested in juggling his highly demanding job, his 4 kids and 2 ex-wives and a girlfriend. I was fine with that at first. After several months I fell in love with him - HARD. He was the man who gave me my self-esteem and self-worth back. How could I not? When he realized what was happening in my heart he ended the relationship. It was horrible. I was thrown back into that darkness. We texted occasionally and I told him that I didn't believe he was "done with me" and that we should meet and talk. We did meet after a week or so. He made it clear to me that feelings and love have no place in our "friendship" and I agreed to keep it platonic in order to keep him in my life. I admit it now... Don was a drug. He made me "high", he made me whole and made me forget. I needed him, a "fix", much like an addict.

After a few more months Don changed. He began to cuddle me, to spend more time in bed, to be even more concerned with my needs (even though it's not like he ever was inconsiderate. He was always amazing). I knew by his kiss, by his bear hugs and his words when we were intimate that he was falling in love! He still worked hard to keep it platonic and when he felt we were getting too close or attached he wouldn't text or see me for a week or two to cool things off (in his head at least). I finally got the courage up one night and I wrote him a very long letter (like 6 handwritten pages!!) telling him that I knew he was in love with me and that he shouldn't be afraid. I really felt then like we deserved a chance at a relationship. He read the letter and sat there, speechless. I asked him if he wanted to talk about it and he said a quick "NO". I asked him to then at least let me know if I was crazy or was I right - did he love me? He only replied, "No, you're not crazy". He kissed me and we made amazing love that night.

I worked for a couple of weeks not to mention the letter. I knew that he might run again. I asked him one night while we were texting if he was going to run and he replied, "I'm not running". I felt a glimmer of hope then. I figured at some point this man would let down his guard and give "US" a chance. One day I worked up the courage to ask him if he was going to consider a real relationship with me. He replied that "our lives are too complicated and that things are great the way they are". My heart sank and that's when I decided that I needed to move on and date. I started the process of ending my marriage and I started dating. I found that most men out there that are my age and single are single because they're creeps. Don asked me about the other men. It didn't bother him that I was dating (or so he said) and I think he knew that my heart was his.

When I met my fiancee, I wasn't looking anymore. I felt very much that I was destined to be alone and I had given up, although I was still visiting Don on occasion. When B and I started really getting serious, I talked to Don and told him. I told him that our friendship was either going to have to morph or end. After that talk, Don suddenly began expressing his feelings a little bit for me. He texted frequently and called me even on occasion (something that was too much like a boyfriend for him to ever do before!). It was hard for me and confusing. To this day he continues to text on occasion and he is very sweet to me. He recently has had a return of testicular cancer and has elected not to treat it at this time. He may die from this and it's really upsetting to me. I want to be there for him but I know that it's not appropriate with B in my life.

For over two years I have waited to hear that this man loves me. He has admitted within the last three months that he "cares for me" and that was a HUGE win in my column. I never thought I would hear that much from him. Tonight he texted me and said, "You know I love you.... as a friend". My heart sank. I never thought I would hear those words, even combined with "friend" from him. A little piece of me felt so sad.

I ADORE B and I am very happy, but here is this man that meant so much to me and I waited so long for him to open up and give me a chance, and now he does it when I can no longer give him love back. How freaking unfair! I wish he would've just kept those words to himself. I keep thinking about him now. He is in a city about 5 hours from here right now for some training and he invited me to come and stay with him for a couple of nights. LIKE I WOULD DO THAT TO B? Aaaaccckkkkk....

I guess trying to stay friends with someone you have been intimate with is much harder than I had realized... :(

What do YOU do?

I have always been a very huggy, kissy type. When my children leave to go somewhere, I really like at least a good hug. My teenage and now older boys always have to grumble but they know it's part of mom and they put up with it.

My sweet fiancee isn't always on the same page. I don't mean to sound like a shrew but his ex-wife seems to me to be quite a cold fish. He has on occasion left for shopping or tennis without saying good-bye to me, which really freaks me out! Tonight he left for work (his 2nd job) and he didn't say "I love you" or "good-bye". I felt so sad. The roads are a sheet of ice and it's not even 20 degrees outside. We don't normally get this cold and we're admittedly not that used to driving in these conditions. I was worried about him. What if something happened to him on his way to or from work and he hadn't said, "I love you" before he left? :( Am I big goofball, or do some of you do the same thing? Do you always say the "I love yous" and "goodbyes" when your significant other leaves the house?

It's OVER

Back in November my divorce was scheduled to be final. November 8th to be exact. I thought it was over and lo and behold, it wasn't!

First we forgot to sign one paper, so they sent it to us via email and we took care of it. Then there was a two week backlog. Ugggghhh! Then, the day it should've been signed, it wasn't! Two pieces of paper (out of the 30+) were missing and needed to be filled out as well as one more form that had to be signed and notarized. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! I just wanted this to be over.. final.. DONE.

Well, FINALLY, it's over. Our divorce was signed on December 8th. It feels weird, good, sad, scary... but I am finally officially SINGLE. I feel like I should have a party or something!? It would be hard to pull off since my ex-husband is one of my closest friends and he would probably be invited by a mutual friend. LOL I have tried to spare his ego and feelings throughout this whole thing. I have never expressed to him how happy I am to be free of all of the pain, loneliness or bitterness of our marriage. I have always only told him how hard it is to know that the man I planned on spending my life with is not going to be the one I spend my life with. So to celebrate and party now with his knowledge would be unkind and cold as far as I can see.

So it's just over. Sixteen years of marriage and seventeen years of a relationship --- over. Divorce really sucks. I am disappointed in myself. I wanted to be married forever. I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't cry myself to sleep almost everynight anymore. I guess I shouldn't beat myself up. My sanity and happiness ARE important.. FINALLY. It still just stings.... :(

OUCH.. that was my heart!

Children.. we love them! We care for their every need until they can fly from the nest on their own. We give until we can give no more without thanks. We love and accept and support them through every endeavor, even the ones that we know in our heart are plain old stupid.

Being the mom of 8 living children, I am very aware of the pains involved in raising children. Kids will love you sometimes and other times break your heart. Sometimes breaking isn't enough and they stomp on it too... The love in a large family is wonderful, but what stinks about a large family is you have so many more children to stomp on that 'ol heart. When more than one at a time stomps, it hurts massively.

My oldest 4 children have a different father than the second 4. They know no other father than my ex-husband though and they have always called him "dad'. All 4 of them are angry with me lately. I imagine that they are upset about the divorce, even though they know well how miserable my life was with him. Not one will express to me what is making them so angry and unkind, which is about par for young men, I know. It's just hard to feel the brunt of their anger on my own. They make such unkind comments and they are very distant.

My heart knows that they love me and that they will come back to me, but that doesn't seem to help the pain I feel right now. I'm not looking forward to Christmas with all of them as it is right now. I can see it will be painful at best. I plan to continue to love them and let them know how much. I will be there as I always have been, through every crisis they have. It's always been me that they run to when they are stressed, brokenhearted or in need, and that will never change. Hopefully one day they will see the smooth transition that their father and I have made, and the way I continue to be there for him and respect the decision I made for their younger siblings that so deserve to have a real father before it's too late....

Dammit!

I felt a smug little bit of security knowing all this time that my fiancee's ex-wife was labeled by his sister and friends as "not as pretty... much larger...looks so much older..." and I know.. it was petty and crappy of me, but I felt good about that! Here I am -- NOT a small thing myself.

Well, guess what? His ex-wife is having gastric bypass surgery tomorrow and now she's going to be a skinny bitch! It's stupid, I know, but now I am going to keep wondering if he wishes he had stayed with her. He's going to be stuck with a fat chick now, because of me.... :( I feel like crap. I just want to hide under a rock somewhere. People are going to be saying, "Why would B leave his skinny wife for that heifer?" and it kills me inside to know that. After having 10 children my metabolism is at nearly zero and because of my Rheumatoid Arthritis, excersise is really painful. I want that damn surgery for ME!!! :(

I am soooo envious right now...