Been singin', man

I thought I might share a couple of my songs from SingSnap.com

I hope you will enjoy! :)

Getting old SUCKS

It's official.. Between turning 45 in 2009 and this damn Mercury Retrograde, I have had a string of pain and bad crap. I am officially getting old! My arthritis has been awful. I went to the doc, got new meds for pain and inflammation. I have been in an unmanageable amount of pain. Well, the new meds kicked in after only a couple of days and I started to feel some relief, although I was still walking like the tin man, which sucks. I hate limping and I hate making a scene. Well, I was out in my "soap room" the other night. I am still pretty "gimped up", but I was feeling a huge amount of gratification from helping my husband and my son, which was doing wonders for my mood. We had made 3 batches of soap (I did little of the work) and we were organizing and cleaning the store room, when I turned to the right while standing still and heard a loud "POP" and a cracking sound. The pain was immediate and excruciating, and I actually yelled out! My husband came running and I was barely able to mumble "hurt my knee" to him. Oh man... it hurt like HELL. After a few minutes, Bill helped me hobble over to a chair and I sat down. My poor old knee started swelling immediately and it was hurting still so much that I could barely handle it. We iced it which helped reduce the pain and swelling some, and I was able to hobble to the bedroom. I felt like I should go to the ER but the copays are so high anymore that I decided to tough it out. I called the consulting nurse for my doctor and she made me an appointment for early the next morning, which was good. I didn't sleep much, but it did feel a little better when I got up in the morning. The doc ordered an MRI which I will have next Saturday. In the meantime I have to hobble around and try to rest it as much as possible. I'm still shaking my head at how stupid it is for me to injure myself this much STANDING STILL. Grrrrr.....

Mercury Retrogade Hell

We have officially entered a Mercury Retrograde, and mine came with a BANG. Here is a brief explanation of what this is..

Mercury turns retrograde September 7th, 2009 at 6 Libra - 12:39 am EST
Mercury turns direct September 29th, 2009 at 21 Virgo - 9:03 am

"In general, Mercury rules thinking and perception, processing and disseminating information and all means of communication, commerce, education and transportation. By extension, Mercury rules people who work in these areas, especially those who work with their minds or their wits: writers and orators, commentators and critics, gossips and spin doctors, teachers, travellers, tricksters and thieves.

Mercury retrograde gives rise to personal misunderstandings; flawed, disrupted, or delayed communications, negotiations and trade; glitches and breakdowns with phones, computers, cars, buses, and trains. And all of these problems usually arise because some crucial piece of information, or component, has gone astray or awry.

It is not exactly wise to make important decisions while Mercury is retrograde, since it is likely that such decisions will be clouded by misinformation, poor communication and careless thinking. Mercury is all about mental clarity and the power of the mind, so when Mercury is retrograde these intellectual characteristics tend to be less acute than usual, as the critical faculties are dimmed. Make sure you pay attention to the small print!" (This information borrowed from http://www.astrologycom.com/mercret.html )

I awoke after a long night of working on my feet (shortly after retrograde began) to a phone call from the County Jail. My 3rd son is once again in jail and this time for possessing alcohol, giving it to his underage girlfriend and for "getting in the face" of a police officer. Obviously the retrograde is effecting my son's judgment in many ways, and his mouth too. He has a $1,000 bail and I am being a tough-love kind of mom here and I am letting him sit there. I don't understand what in the world he is thinking! I have talked to him about his cavalier attitude these days and he assured me he has everything "under control"... HAH. I am fuming and worried all at once!

It's going to be a long 22 days of this retrograde. Take heed and be careful, everyone!

Menopause is from hell

As the months tick on, I realize more and more that my "peri-menopause" is quickly becoming menopause. My cycle continues to be odd and at times damn near frightening. Sometimes I feel "normal" (whatever that really is) and other times I am unbearably sad. I can't seem to kick myself out of these sad funks the way I used to. I can tell that it's artificially-based. Life is good and I am blissfully happy with the man of my dreams! Still I can't seem to shake the blues when they come. Other times my patience is very slim and I can't seem to deal with my kids. They just seem to be talking more than ever and demanding an inordinate amount of time. I know it's not really the way it feels, but I feel so anxious and on-edge that I can barely deal with the normal hubbub of a day. These signs tell me that clearly at 45 I am starting into "the change" as they called it when I was growing up.

I worry that I will be mentally unstable for years on end. My mom's entire personality changed and she became almost what I would term "insane" on occasion. She tells me that research says that daughters usually go through menopause the way their mothers did. I have yet to do the research on this to know if it's true. I just keep hoping that she's flat out wrong. I don't to become a mean, ill-tempered woman - totally out of control and unable to deal with the dramatic hormonal changes in my body. Afterall, I am a much stronger woman than that! Right? Hormones are so powerful. Most of my life I could at least see the changes in myself monthly and try to deal with them. Now I wonder if I will have that same ability. Will I just be a raging bitch to everyone I know? Will everyone hate me and think I have lost my mind? Ok... I'm being over-the-top dramatic, but inside I really do worry if I will lose my mind during this massive transition???

To add injury to insult, there's the nagging grief of never feeling another human being growing, stretching and hiccuping within my body. How can this time of my life just end with such a weak little sigh? Shouldn't there be a party for my body? I have birthed ten children! Shouldn't there be a medal or something for the effort that I made to repopulate the world? I went through so much pain, so much morning sickness, the sciatica nerve pain, the swollen feet and ankles, the hemorrhoids, and then there was birth. I never had one of those heavenly-sounding epidurals or any other type of pain relief! I had most of my babies at home with a fantastic midwife. I don't regret one minute, but there is a certain amount of respect I think that us homebirthing moms' uteruses (uteri?) should receive. How can the hormones just shut down and leave someone so maternal "dry"? It's pretty cold, really. I am grieving and yet don't want to undergo all of that anymore anyway. What kind of a weird thing is that?

Doctors are pretty callous about all of this. They offer me hormone replacement therapy. Oh joy! Those synthetic hormones only make me gain 30 pounds in water weight while raving like a psychotic maniac in anger. Just what I need at this point, right? NO. I guess I just have to take this one day at a time and try to be patient. The goddess is in charge here and I know that my body will do the job it has been assigned to do. I just hope that I can hold on and be patient through each and every day!

All clear!

My biopsies came back clear, so I have no cancer to fear! I am SO relieved. I wasn't that worried about it, but little by little as the days passed I found the thoughts creeping into my head more and more. "What if it IS cancer?" Yikes. I am very happy not to have that to worry about! :)

Life is good and marriage is even better. I am so madly in love and we are so damn compatible that life is rosey as hell right now! Every once in awhile I find myself worrying and waiting for something to happen. Life has never been this happy for me and I find it kind of eerie, but I'm trying not to look this HUGE gift horse in the mouth. :)

Biopsies

Two biopsies are done and now I wait for the results. I know damn well that they are going to come out normal. The doc also did a PAP smear and that has already come back normal. I'm far too mean and feisty to be dying at 45... LOL The endometrial (uterine lining) biopsies are NOT fun, but they were quick. Once we rule out cancer, I will have a full pelvic ultrasound to rule out any other weird cause of the nasty bleeding that I had. If those all come back clear, I have 3 choices to deal with the bleeding:

1. Hormone pills.
~This doesn't excite me because birth control pills give me AWFUL headaches and lots of bloating, weight gain and moodiness. I would rather bleed out monthly than take those, to be frank.

2. IUD.
~I don't like IUDs. I have never had one but the knowledge of how they work is bothersome to me. I learned years ago that they do not prevent pregnancy when used as a birth control method - they only prevent the embryo from implanting. ICK. I don't need an IUD for birth control, but I fear uterine perforation and the endless bleeding that some women experience when using one. Not to mention that this type of IUD secretes the same hormones as above. :(

3. Endometrial Ablation.
~This basically is a procedure to BURN OUT the lining of the uterus, leaving it scarred and unable to build monthly. This makes for very light or non-existent periods. Sounds great..? NO. My uterus is tipped and the risk of burning my colon is large. I have GREAT fear of my internal organs being burned as a method of treating another medical issue. Besides, can you say OUCH???? Weeks of bleeding and passing charred chunks of my uterus does NOT appeal to me.

So, I see NO OPTION. If this is all hormonally caused, I am screwed until I hit menopause. The doc doesn't want to remove my uterus. She says that is now a "last choice". Great... Any feedback here is greatly appreciated!

TMI to the extreme

If you have a weak stomach, DO NOT READ THIS. This involved a womanly function to its extreme.

I've had a heck of a week. I started bleeding monday. It seemed like an early period, but it was something I had NEVER seen. It started with me passing a clot the size of a baseball. YES. A BASEBALL. I thought it odd but treated it as normal until 45 minutes later when I had already saturated a super plus tampon completely! Ok - time to add in an overnight maxi pad for extra protection. An hour later, both were 100% full and I mean FULL. It was obviously picking up steam and I started to get a little worried. This continued night and day without pause for 2 days, when it got WORSE. I was passing huge clots and saturating my arsenal of protection every 30 minutes! I was very pale and feeling very weak and dizzy. It occured to me that "toughing it out" wasn't working for me any longer, so I called the 24 hour nurse helpline. The nurse sounded almost panicky when I told her what I had been experiencing. She advised that I not be alone, keep my legs elevated and have someone call 911 immediately if I did indeed pass out. She also said "get to the hospital quickly". I was lying there on my bed, honestly thinking about whether or not to go. I HATE the amount of time it takes when you go to the hospital. It seems FAR too drawn out and I have never understood why they cannot just check the patients in, see them, do labs or films as required and either admit or discharge them! Why does it have to take 3-5 hours????

So anyway, my mom showed up out of the blue and took one look at me and ordered me to get up and go with her to the hospital. So off we went. By the time I got there I was even more dizzy and I was feeling like things were worsening even more. I was relieved to get some medical help at that point. The doctor was amazed at the amount of blood I was losing, and ordered an IV for fluids immediately. She did an exam and needed a new lab coat afterwards, but she said very little about her impression of what was going on. She advised that I make an appointment with my OB/GYN right away and gave me some progesterone pills to take to slow the bleeding. I spent a few days just regaining my energy but I am feeling better (except for this blasted sinus infection I now have! Grrr) Tomorrow morning I will go to the OB/GYN and see what they have to say. The nurse advised me that she believes that the doc will do a uterine biopsy and an ultrasound at a minimum. OUCH! I am NOT looking forward to the biopsy... :(

I feel like it's some kind of a hormonal issue and I will be fine, but we will see what the doc says tomorrow. Any positive energy and/or healing energy welcome!

Scrapping Room Almost Complete!

It's been a week of pushing my body to extremes. My extremes are not those of a typical or normal 45 year old woman, granted. Rheumatoid Arthritis makes my limitations pretty great, but I am usually one to put a smile on my face and keep on going. When it comes to scrapbooking, my limitations are happily pushed! Since I got the GOOD news that Jabba is no longer going to need to move back in to our extra bedroom, we have been cleaning, painting and organizing my new scrap/storage room!

I will post pics when I get it a little bit more together. I should've taken pics of the room before the cleaning and painting. My 18 year old son left the room in a truly disgraceful state and I am still pretty angry about that. He left all of the clothing he didn't want, old toys he no longer played with but didn't want to relinquish to his younger siblings, broken stereo components and lots more. The walls were FILTHY, with food dripped down them, marker, chunks of unidentifiable stuff, knife marks from him and his friend using throwing stars IN THE HOUSE (!!!!), bb's from his bb gun (IN THE WALL) and so much more. It was a MESS to clean the dirty walls, fill all of the holes, carve out the bbs, and then paint over and over to cover the lime green he had on one wall. It's tough on my hands to paint at all, and I did it with my sweet husband for days! The once beautiful oak hardwood flooring is stained and filthy, so I have been scrubbing and mopping over and over. I will have to forego refinishing them for now because of $, but at least they will be clean!

We're now in the process of moving all of my scrapbooking stuff to the room (down at the other end of our home). I have enough stuff to open my own store - no kidding! - so it's going to take some time to move it all, organize it all and get it the way I need it for working, but it sure feels good to get all of this stuff out of our bedroom!

More on this soon!

Good grief...

It seems lately that I only blog here when I am really down. I apologize if anyone is reading this... It just seems that things are kind of tough right now.

For months I have been trying to understand and put up with my mother allowing her toothless, jobless, penniless, homeless boyfriend to be rude and disrespectful to me. It happens over and over and she just ignores it. I couldn't figure it out until last night.

I finally asked her point blank - "Why do you allow him to be so rude and disrespectful to me?" to which she clearly answered a simple, "I don't care!" Wow...She doesn't care. He and his opinions are more important than her daughter or her feelings. I guess it's not strange for me to say that this really blew my mind. My mom and I have always been very close - more like sisters. It's hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that she is once again putting her love interest before her child. I'm not asking for him to go out of his way, or even like me, but I do deserve respect. He gives none, and she does nothing about it. If my husband were to be unkind or disrespectful to my mother, I would chew him up one side and down the other. I would never allow that! I know where I stand with her now. I know that I am less important to her than some homeless guy that was living in a cabover camper for 3 years.. OUCH. She loves me only conditionally which is hard for me to fathom. I love my children 100% and would never let someone disrespect them. I've now had two fathers dump me and a mother. I have no sibs, aunts or uncles, so I am alone. THANK GOD I had a bunch of children!

SO I am taking some time off from "mom". I need space and time to grieve and try to heal. I don't want to see her or hear her try to once again defend him. I am done for now with this whole "relationship". Tomorrow is my birthday, so I canceled my birthday party. I don't want to have to see her. I have spent the day crying and wallowing in self-pity, wondering what in the hell is so wrong with me that I don't have any parents that love me. My sons will come by and see me, and that will be great and plenty for me right now.

I just wish I had some tools for dealing with this kind of grief. I never thought I would lose my mother before she even died....

This man...

Just when I think that I can't possibly love my husband more, he opens another channel and my heart floods with a new passion in a new direction for him. Monday he had the day off. We jumped in his car and drove to a mattress store in town to "test drive" them out. We are sleeping in a queen sized mattress and it's not supporting us the way we both need. He works for the company, so we are getting a SCREAMING once a year below cost deal. We spent a long time, lying on different ones, testing which kind of support we need the most. At one point, the bed was SO cushy, and I was so tired (still getting over this nasty cold from hades) that I felt sleepy. "Close your eyes and see if you can sleep," he said. I thought he was being funny, and I chuckled a little bit. He said, "No - I'm here, just rest." So I closed my eyes and drifted in and out of light sleep. I felt his eyes staring at me, and I opened them at one point. He smiled, touched my cheek and said, "I love you SO much and you are everything to me. I think it's gonna make me cry" and tears welled up in his eyes! He's so sweet and loves me with the depth and passion that I love him. I waited SO long to have a man that I felt was my equal in intelligence, passion, love, compassion, values, and so much more and this man is without a doubt my match - my soulmate - my love. He's a man, he's human. He's not perfect and yes, just like me he has flaws, but OH MY GAWD... this man is SO amazing and SO good for my soul. I love him more than life itself and I want only to make him happy and spend the rest of my life loving him. I am so blessed!

Alone

At 44, I have just had a revelation. It's not that mind-boggling really, and the pieces of this revelation have been looming for quite some time now. It's just that all of it came crashing in on me yesterday.

In the last year, I have lost a child, lost my father (he disowned me and walked out of my life forever), I divorced, I remarried, and I lost my mother (for all intents and purposes), I became a grandmother (only to lose the little one to a mom that doesn't want to share him at all with my son or his family) and my chronic illness has severely worsened. It's been one helluva year!

I don't have any siblings, cousins, aunts or uncles. My grandparents are all dead now. So, with the exception of the blessings of my children and my supremely amazing husband, I am ALONE. It's a strange feeling. I don't have any people my age or older that I call family or can count on. I know it's not uncommon at my age, and I'm not saying that this realization is earth-shattering, but I am ALONE. I am admittedly one of those people that hates to be totally alone for any length of time. I love the company of other people and I love to visit and share life with those that I care about.

It's one more stepping stone in the aging process, I guess. No one knows me from when I was little, or skinny or beautiful. I am ALONE. I kinda shudder when I type that.... It's time to start focusing on the blessings of my children. One day grandchildren will come and I will have all of them too! It's still just kind of strange...

More Wedding Pics

For those interested, here are more wedding pics!

And the plot thickens....

Lo and behold, B and I found out yesterday through a nasty call from his ex-wife (NOT a stable or kind person) that our lovely sister-in-law from hell called her and let her know all about our wedding, gave her my full name and address! B hadn't told the ex about our plans to get married because he was honestly fearful that she might try to sabotage it somehow or even show up! She didn't know about me, or have my name or our address even and this holier than thou biotch called her and told her everything! Had "biotch" and "unstable" been friends when she and B were married, it might've made *slightly* more sense for her to call and rant and rave about me and the type of wedding, but these women don't like each other at all! The SIL did this just to betray B and me. B had thought that she liked him, but obviously not. :( I am STEAMING hot now. B's bro actually talked to her on the phone as well (and he despises her) telling her of his concerns for his poor naive bro saying that the "misguided is leading the naive"......

It's bad enough to be a narrow-minded, judgmental ass, but to then slander and gossip about someone to their ex-wife who is known to be mentally unstable is just flat out betrayal and evil as far as I am concerned. THESE ARE CHRISTIANS????? Why is it that the Christians yelling the loudest about how holy and righteous they are, are the worst examples of what Jesus taught? PATHETIC.

I am seriously considering a slander lawsuit now against the SIL. This woman needs to be taught a lesson. I know I couldn't win or get money from it, I just want her to stop her actions and THINK about the ramifications of them! Ideas??

Ignorant morons

I'm still growling.. I knew full well that it was possible that someone would come to our wedding (handfasting) and feel that holier than thou thing. What I didn't realize is that someone would be rude, immature and ignorant enough to walk out of it before it even started!

My husband's brother is a born again Christian and I respect his beliefs. I know that his beliefs keep him living him the kind of life he wants to live, and they also keep in good with his wife. I would never dream of punishing him from his beliefs that differ from mine. His wife is a BIOTCH from hell though. She struts in to our ceremony, sits in the very first row and begins to point, laugh and scoff. At that point the only thing to see was a circle of birdseed on the ground, 1 candle lit at each direction (east, west, etc.) and us standing there in cloaks and nice clothes. The ceremony had not even begun. She immediately demanded that her husband leave with her and on her way out loudly made cracks about "a freak".

I am totally appalled that this woman could call herself a Christian and behave the way she did. She is nothing but a tacky hypocrit as far as I can see. Bill and I went to see his brother after our way too short honeymoon to talk to him and find out what had happened. His brother is a pansy with no communication skills WHATSOEVER and he clammed up like a child. I was calm, kind and just asked what it was that had frightened them so much. He would only say that they were "uncomfortable" and he left to make her happy. What great Christians! I noted to him that Jesus spent his time with those that DID NOT believe as he did. and the dregs of society for that matter, like tax collectors (hated by all) and prostitutes. His only response to that was "don't go there" which means really "I can't explain my shitty behavior, so I don't want to talk about this anymore".... LOL

The brother I will forgive and pity. The wife (my supposed sister-in-law now) I will NOT speak to. She has nothing to offer me or my children and I will NOT subject myself to her stupid, tacky crap. His brother said that he didn't want animosity between us (her and I). Well, then maybe he should've grown some damn balls and made her stay to see that we are pagans, not godless people, and NOT satan worshippers!

GRRRRRRR......

Our Handfasting

We're back from our honeymoon (sadly) and everything went so beautifully and smoothly! We're blissfully happy and I am so happy and proud to be his wife. I only have a few of the pics. My girlfriend does wedding photography for a hobby and she has the best of them yet. I wanted to share a few that I have so far though. :)

Everything went so smoothly and the weather was perfect for it outside. I will share more pics as I get them. :)

Whirlwind

I apologize for my long absence...

I have been dealing with a massive flare up of my Rheumatoid Arthritis. My pain level has been higher than it has ever been in the 15 years since I was diagnosed. It's been really hard for me to get through my days and all the major planning for the wedding! I couldn't take my Enbrel shots because my youngest three had a cold. Last night I was finally able to take a shot, and I already have more energy, so the cycle will soon end! :)

My son is still mulling the whole baby thing over. I was supposed to meet my grandson this past Sunday but the mom canceled on us last minute. Her boyfriend is feeling insecure and uncomfortable with Joshua and I meeting the baby. I can understand that, but it was very sad and disappointing. I had high hopes for lots of pictures and memorizing his face. Soon thereafter the mom texted my son telling him that she had already left town for Georgia, and that he would never find them. We have since found her full name, her parents' names and their address, and we're still collecting information. She won't be disappearing for long... the stress has been really tough on my RA though, and that has made it even worse. The hardest part has been waiting with my mouth shut, waiting for Joshua to decide whether or not he wants to fight for parental rights. It's so hard not to try and help him understand how precious this little boy is, and drill into his head that the relationship with his son is more important than the child support he will pay. It's not my life, it's not my money and I just have to bite my tongue. I did however tell Joshua how important this little boy is to me, and that I would love to help him in any way I can. So for now, I sit and wait.

Wedding (Handfasting) plans are going really well. The weather is supposed to be partly cloudy and 60 for our outside event this Sunday, which is awesome! I have only two or three small things left to do and then we will be ready!!! I am totally in love and I am soooo excited to begin our life anew! Bill is the most amazing, loving man that I have ever known and he continues to impress and amaze me with his depth, love, sensitivity, care and compassion. He is my perfect match and we are blissfully happy. NO - I'm not totally stupid, and yes, I do know that things will crop up and life isn't perfect, but he is the one man that I truly want to spend the rest of my days with. Together we can face anything and being with him makes my soul at peace and finally complete. I have never felt so lucky, and I feel like I really did do my time being miserable. Finally - happiness is MINE!!!

As well as the other stuff going on, my mom and dad's divorce continues to loom overhead and cause us all a lot of stress. Dad is basically nothing more than a freeloading blow-hard and he's fighting this whole thing with everything he has. He's 86 and mom is 64 and he didn't bring a thing to their marriage when I was nearly 13 and retired shortly after they were married. He now wants half of my mom's hard-earned pension, retirement, and everything that she has bought and paid for (like their home). The divorce trial is coming in the next 2 weeks and I will be asked to testify. Dad blames the whole divorce on me and moved away without so much as a goodbye, so it won't hurt me any to testify against him. After being my one and only father all of these years he walked away from me and my 8 children and has never looked back. He's a senile, bitter old man and he's no loss to us, but the stress of this whole situation is hard.

So LOTS going on - hence my slow blogging. I will be posting pics of my handfasting the next time I blog!!!!! :) :) :) :)

OMG.. I am a Grandma

A few weeks ago, my oldest son Joshua told me that he had some worries. He and I are very close, as I am with all of my kids, and I sat him down to talk. He told me that a girl he had slept with months ago was pregnant and claiming that the baby was his. She had a boyfriend that was hoping to be the father, but she was sure it was Joshua's baby. I didn't worry about it too much - the odds were in his favor, right?

Well, on March 25th, Hunter Lee was born. He is beautiful, and paternity tests show that he is not the child of her boyfriend. When Joshua told me, I was working as the karaoke dj at the Pheasant Palace like I do every friday and saturday night. I had one helluva time not crying HARD after he left. I just kept thinking that I now am a Grandmother and I will never see this little boy... The mother has decided to move to Georgia with her boyfriend who wants to raise the baby as his own without any contact from Joshua. As a matter of fact, they are moving at the end of this month!

I've been really struggling with this whole thing... I'm a Grandma, and yet I'm not. My heart aches and I want so badly to see him, hold him, just one time! Joshua is thinking about whether or not to fight for parental rights, but his income isn't going to allow him to fight very hard or long.

I feel like I have gained so much and lost so much in one fell swoop. I don't know how to work through this really, and it hurts so much... :(

One more step

B and I woke up today with lots of hope. His marriage has been over for 5 years and he hasn't even lived in the family home for almost 5 years as well, but his divorce had never been filed. It was filed in a neighboring county about 4 months ago. We were SO happy to get it filed so that he could be free on paper as well as in his heart! In our state, there is a 90 day wait and then it is finalized if both parties agree on the settlement. We waited and waited, and still it wasn't finalized. 90 days passed, 100 passed and then 110 days! B called the county and they told him that they were behind in processing them but that it shouldn't be too much longer. The judge in that county signs divorces on mondays, so around lunchtime B called to see if it had been signed yet. It was final last week!!!!!! We were so happy that we almost jumped for joy!!!!!!!

We're set now to be married on schedule and we are ecstatic! 27 days and counting!!!

She died

My last living Grandparent just died.

Grandma died 12 days ago and I didn't even know she had died until I received a letter in the mail yesterday. Pretty cold way to learn that a family member has died, huh? It was quite a shock. My Aunt has my phone number, but I guess she didn't feel that I was worthy of a phone call.

Grandma never really liked me. She favored the grandkids that belonged to her two daughters over me from the son that just couldn't seem to stay married. Besides, I was supposed to be a boy! Grandma's first words to my mom after she gave birth to me were, "So sorry it's a girl." Mom was thrilled with me, and Grandma's words hurt and confused her. So I guess from the beginning I was a disappointment and that never changed.

She never acknowledged my talents in art, music, dance or my intelligence that got me into a University - the first and only one of her grandchildren to do so. I'm not sure why her passing hurts me at all. The woman never cared and never showed me an ounce of maternal love. She called me a "bad daughter" for not accepting anymore of my biological father's (her son) verbal abuse and neglect when I gave up on having a relationship with him and she actually had the nerve to tell me that I have Rheumatoid Arthritis because of the anger and resentment I harbor toward my "dad".

OUCH. It still hurts that this woman, my Grandmother, could never accept or love me. I need to take her power to hurt me away now. She is dead and gone and I will never change her mental confusion about me and who I really am. I guess time will do just that, but today it hurts like hell....

Ooooey Goooey Love

Gawd... I'm in love. It's not perfect, and it's not what I expected, but it's GOOD. I look back now and I can't believe that I almost gave up on this love last Summer. I was so afraid of being hurt that I was ready to throw in the towel and just be alone. I would've missed out on the most amazing man of my life!

It's so terrifying to love again after you've had your heart not just broken, but twisted, mangled and stomped on. I walked around in a haze for months, unable to feel. I know I blogged about Jerry already, so I won't go into all that again. Needless to say, losing him messed me up in a BIG way. I tried it all - lots of men, massive alcohol consumption, even some recreational drug use. Nothing made my heart stop hurting and nothing made me whole again. NOTHING.

When I had given up completely on numbing the pain, and began accepting being alone for the rest of my life, in walked Bill (aka "B"). I knew when I met him that he was special and I found him majorly attractive, but I warned him from the start that I was "messed up" and that my heart was in many pieces. I told him that I would never be able to love him, and we agreed to just date and be friends.

So many times I felt my heart start to love and I would swiftly rip it away from him before it could take hold and flower. It must've been hell for him. He loved me already, and here I was, totally unable to let myself go and trust in him, in us. It was a rough time. I tried to end the relationship twice. I told him to find someone that was whole - that could love him fully - the way he deserved. Both times, he stood by me, waiting patiently.

Wow... we've come so far now! We lost a child, we almost lost us. We struggled through my divorce and his too. Both of our marriages had been over for nearly the same amount of time (5 years) but the actual divorce hadn't been filed yet.

Here we are now a year later and our love is strong, full and continuing to blossom. Every once in awhile I remember the pain and the heartache and I get "cold feet" as Bill calls them, but I couldn't be happier and I know that this is the man that will stay with me through thick and thin. I love him so much and I am so grateful that he is in my life.

Our wedding is only a few weeks away now and I am working hard on getting all of the details worked out. Bill is right by my side, helping me and supporting my every endeavor. I just wanted to share the joy in my heart now where there was so much pain and darkness!

Coming Right Along!

B and I met with Rowan - the minister who will perform our legal handfasting - yesterday. We met her the first time in December and she's very sweet and I feel very much at ease with her. The ceremony is all put together per our requests and I think it's going to be very romantic and deep. This is one little part -- (My witchcraft name is Tambor and B's is Gera)

Tambor: I have loved many
But I have trusted few

Gera: And I trust only one enough to stand here today and pledge my love.
I trust you with my life like I trust my own destiny
Of which you are a part.

Tambor: I trust you not to hurt me save by accident
And I trust you to make amends for those accidents
I trust you to respect me, in places seen and unseen

Gera: And to make your words reflect that respect.
I trust you to fight with me, yet never lose faith in our love

Tambor: And to fight by my side for those things that I value
I trust you to be considerate of my heart before you act

Gera: I trust you to see things in me that I cannot
And to speak clearly and truthfully and not hold back your thoughts

Tambor: I trust you to accept the dance that I am given
By my gods and goddesses

Gera: And support me on the path as I serve them
I trust you to believe that I will give back

Tambor: Everything you give to me
Three times over.

B and I went and bought the TWENTY-ONE different ribbons last night that are required for the ceremony. It was quite a task! All are different colors and I tried to choose many different varieties. We've been kicking around the invitations and how to do those, and finally I just decided to make them myself! I am an avid scrapbooker, so I decided to just use my printer (it prints on 12x12 sheets of paper) and print 4 to a page. I bought some beautiful vellum and ribbon to match the paper, which is celtic and very pretty. It's going to be a lot more work but I think they will be really beautiful this way. Now I need to figure out where to buy some envelopes that will fit!

We have 8 weeks left and I am accomplishing something almost everyday on the planning though and although it's a little stressful, I think we are making good headway! We are both feeling more and more excited too. It's going to be so amazing out there in the woods. Now we ask for SUNSHINE!!!!

Calling In

My sweetheart has called in sick for 3 days now! He's taking care of me, and he's so sweet! He NEVER calls in, so this has been a very sweet little vacation together for us too. I have this nasty cold that never goes away. I have been sick at differing levels for more than 6 weeks now, and I've got a new headcold version of it now. I just want to get well, but I have to admit that I have TOTALLY enjoyed having my man here underfoot.

The wedding is coming right along and it's only about 2 months away now! I am getting really excited!!!

Magical VD

I just read the title that I gave this post... Magical "VD": Not as in something that makes your genitals shrivel and fall off, but as in Valentine's Day.

I have some big plans for VD. I bought rose petals, rose-scented heart-shaped candles, chocolates and champagne. I have to work at the Pheasant Palace that night, but I plan to have the candles set up and the champagne on ice. It's our first VD and I LOVE this holiday, despite being very cynical and crabby about it last year. I bought B some little candy yummies to tuck around the bedroom and his desk.

For the grand finale, I am planning some "magickal sex". Yea, that sounds nice, but I mean MAGICKAL. Being a witch, I plan to cast a circle around our bed and have an amazing evening. It's quite an amazing experience. We tried it slightly on the last full moon. I didn't actually cast a circle, but I went into a meditative state and drew upon the moon for energy. It was beyond my imagination! I figure casting the circle will only make it more intense. I am really looking forward to it!

I'll let you know, minus the gorey details of course, how it goes!

Happy VD everyone!!

Cleanliness = Insanity?

You know how when you live with someone for awhile, you start to notice every difference in them? You notice all of the cool things they do and the way they live. Of course you also learn the little things that might drive you to insanity if they were obnoxious enough...?

Well I figure my poor man should be insane by now. This is a picture of my latest pile 'o' crap. It's a mixture of clean clothes that need to be put away, bags of goodies from one or two of my Value Village trips, my coat, some books that I am going to list online, and other miscellaneous junk. This very pile is about to make me crazy. I work at it often - honestly. I dismantle it little by little and then somehow it seems to breed in the night and grow back. It's making me crazy and yet I can never seem to totally eradicate it. And then there's my fiancee - B. He's the polar opposite of my ex-husband, Jabba. Jabba NEVER put anything away and was a total slob. He wouldn't have even seen this growth of crap on my side of the bed.



Here's B's boxer brief and sock drawer.. See a slight contrast? I wash his boxers and he likes them laid flat in the drawer so that they don't wrinkle! LMAO

Personally, I think this sort of organization reeks of OCD or maybe some kind of a personality disorder (just kidding) but he's happy with the drawer like this, and don't you go telling him I showed it.

Is it totally apparent how much this man must love me to accept Tracy's "pile o crap" ? Whatta good man! Inside he must be just freaking out. I owe it to him to demolish the pile. Send me some organization vibes, will ya?

The perfect spot

B and I drove out to our prospective wedding locations this morning. The first place is way out away from town in a heavily wooded park. It's a huge park and there are plenty of good and private spots for our handfasting. We then drove to another pretty park with lots of good tree coverage but there were too few shelters in the probable chance that we will have rain in April.

Did I mention already that we are going with April instead of March?

Anyway - so after looking around today, we have decided on the first big park. They have a very private and perfect area where we can have an actual fire and not be a spectacle to other park users. The reception will be held in the brand new, beautiful lodge onsite. It has all wood paneling on the interior and vaulted ceilings. It's very rustic and cozy but still new, clean and very comfy. There's a kitchen there and it's perfect!

So now I reserve all of that and pay the deposits and fees. B is giving me $ toward everything too, but it's still tough to get money together with 10 children total together. LOL We're going to have to keep this simple and pretty and be happy with it and I think we're both in agreement that we will be VERY happy to do it this way!

There are wooden benches all around the fire bowl at the park, and if it's not pouring down rain, people will be able to sit comfortably and enjoy. If it's raining I figure we will just move the handfasting into the lodge and do it there without the fire. Either way works for us!

So I'm getting excited now. I still have tons of things to do but I'm making good progress! :)

My Intervention Today

I had lunch with Jen and U today at Olive Garden. We had their yummy all you can eat salad, soup and breadsticks. I was starving and ate way too much, but it was good!

At lunch, U started talking to me about B and our upcoming wedding. She says that the whole group of us "karaoke sluts" has been talking about me and the wedding. She says that they are worried that I am marrying B too soon and that I should spend some time alone. I can certainly understand their concern, but on the other hand I have to think that they don't have the whole picture.

My marriage to Jabba has been over (other than on paper) for at least 5 years. I am not proud to say that I have dated plenty and experienced plenty of life in that time period. When I met B I wasn't looking for a mate, a date or a buddy. He came into my life at a time when I had given up and decided to be alone. This is partly how I know that I don't "need" a man in my life to be complete - I do just truly love and adore him. We have been seeing each other since March 22nd, 2008 which is almost a year now. I feel very sure and comfortable with our relationship and I feel that he is my soulmate - the person that I have been waiting for my whole life. If I didn't need medical insurance so desperately, we would both be comfortable with waiting, but because I need that, B wants to get married. I think that's a good enough reason, and seeing that I know he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, it seems reasonable.

I really respect the words of my good friends, so I am taking this to heart. I will definitely be giving this whole thing some more thought. I guess I was just a little surprised that they had all been talking about this. Only rarely do any of them see B outside of the Pheasant Palace where I work. They don't really know him at all and they can't have much of an idea about B and I feel about each other. I am hoping that as they get to know B better and see us together more they will realize how right this is. B works such crappy hours that he isn't around to do stuff with the rest of the group very often.

The main thing to me is that I am indeed SURE of what we have and how we feel about each other. The last thing I want is one more failed marriage. I am going to give this some serious thought.

We May Be Morons

Saturday we drove once again to Seattle, to you guessed it -

TO......

Meet with the Pug breeder that we got our baby Maggie from! We met at the famous Pike Place Market and took a gander at the one and only male from Maggie's litter. Her brother was outrageously cute and B really wanted to get a second puppy, so the guy offered us an amazing deal and off we went with a second "poopy".

Double the cute and YES - double the poop! Maggie loves her big brother, and they play non-stop. He's doing almost as well as her with the house-training and B is the one who takes them out at night and early morning, so I can't complain. He's such a good daddy! You'll notice from the pic of them that Maggie looks a little cranky though -she definitely keeps brother in line.

B wants to name the new baby Malcolm, but he sure looks more like a Pugsly to me. I'm still lobbying...

Here's a shot of us sleeping on Sunday morning. They love their mommy! :)

Maggie is growing!

We've had our baby for two weeks now and she's actually looking a little bit bigger! She's a total doll and loves us so much. She goes potty outside so well and doesn't waste any time when we take her out. It's cold and she doesn't want to freeze! We're crate training her for the most part. She has had a couple of small accidents in the house, but they were either my fault or she was sneaky in the night. We do allow her to sleep in our bed with us. She's just so tiny and it breaks my heart to think of her crying alone in that kennel at night.

Yea.. she's spoiled and it's just fine with us! She has a little wardrobe of darling little clothes and I take her shopping with me in one of those goofy little dog purses. I used to make fun of people that did that and now here I am.... LOL

Maggie is a purebred Pug and she shouldn't get to be much over 14 pounds. She will always be a little ankle biter and she's WAY cute. B is one smart man. He knew that it would help me a lot to not miss our baby, Jocelyn and he is SO right. This little puppy is so needy like a real baby that I feel like I have a baby to nurture right now. It's exhausting but SO good for my heart!

I love Maggie to pieces and it's hard to leave her at home for work even! LOL I'm hopelessly Puggie addicted!

The Patience Of A Saint

I got a little tipsy last night... Ok.. I got SMASHED. I don't do it on a regular basis, but every once in awhile I get blitzed. Jabba volunteered to pick me up and take me to work, so then I knew I was free and clear to have a good time! :) I worked, had fun with friends and by the end of the night I was on my ear!

B, being the patient soul that he is, loaded me into his car, along with my 2nd oldest son. Mitch's girlfriend was supposed to pick him up from the bar but she fell asleep, so we took him home. I was admittedly obnoxious in the car, and even called the cop that I used to "see". Oh boy! B was cool with all of it until I called the cop "baby" on the phone. He then growled at me and said, "I am baby. He is Mr. Officer Sir." LOL LOL LOL I was WAY out of line to call the jerk in the first place, but he had been texting me all night and asked me to call when I was off work. Normally I wouldn't consider calling him at all, but in my stupid drunkenness I called. What a moron...

We dropped my son off and drove home, and B was a doll. He should've been mad at me, but he knows how much I love him and he's secure in that. THANK GOD. I apologized all over the place as I squatted in our front yard for a quick pee. YES - I was DRUNK. B kept trying to convince me that I could make it to our bathroom, but I squatted. Oh Lord... Is there nothing I won't do when I am drunk?? And I'm sharing it here???? Geeez....

The man is a saint, but I think he got a reward for his behavior too, if I am remembering correctly..... LOL

I'm going to be a good girl for a long time now. I got that out of my system. Just old demons and pain cropping back up.

I'm a MORON

I should've never told mom... I just kept imagining this romantic, peaceful and very private wedding and then the nightmare of my mom finding out about it. She would've gone on and on about how terribly I made her feel - leaving her out - and I could've ruined her relationship with B. I know she would've blamed it on him somehow...

So I sat mom down and I told her the truth. We had planned a Summer wedding but now we want to do this in March. She was surprisingly receptive and I was relieved. A few days later she called and offered me her backyard for the handfasting. "WOW", I thought. She's being very kind! That brings me to today when it all came crashing down.

Mom and I went shopping, something we have always done. Mom enjoys spending money more than anything in the world and that has always been "our time" together. Our relationship has been strained to say the least since she hooked up with her alcoholic, toothless, jobless, penniless, homeless, classless and rude as hell "cowboy" boyfriend. Don't cowboys generally deal with livestock and ride horses? He's as much a cowboy as I am a man... Oh well.. I try endlessly to accept him and still I just can't wrap my head around this attractive woman settling for the very first man she meets in a bar after ending her 30 year marriage. My adjectives for describing him are NOT exaggerations - ALL FACTS. It's a miserable situation. Anyway...

On the way home, mom mentioned that I hadn't been sharing any of my wedding plans with her. I told her that I hadn't really accomplished that much. She went on saying that it "hurt her feelings" that I was excluding her from the plans. She has been less than interested in me or my relationship with B, so I didn't have any clue that she might want to know any of it. I immediately apologized for hurting her feelings and explained that I hadn't gotten much done, but would surely share things with her if she is interested. Right away she asked what kind of a ceremony it was and I told her it would be a Wiccan Handfasting. She got a look on her face that told me that she was already mocking it. I felt defensive but kept explaining how we would do the handfasting. I worked hard not to get angry. She chuckled when I explained that I would wear a gothic looking gown with a matching cloak and that's when I decided not to share anything more. I was hurt and angry all at once! I can understand that this is not something that she is familiar with, but she could at least be KIND and supportive, couldn't she??

It's not worth trying to talk to her about this. The woman has no communication skills and she's obviously jealous that she isn't getting married.. yet. I know this is probably going to throw her over the edge and she will now definitely marry this creep she's living with, but that's not my problem. She also said that she wasn't sure that she wanted the wedding at her house and needed to think about it. Well, that's all good because I'm not going to take her up on her offer anyway. We're going to have to find an alternate location - probably a park. I will just have to get a permit for it and that's fine. It's well worth the extra hassle and probably expense to avoid her crap.

I feel like such a dolt now for worrying about her feelings and sharing this information with her. I should've just kept it our private ceremony and left it at that. I don't want her tacky 100% of the time ball-cap wearing, Busch beer drinking boyfriend roaming around during the reception anyway and this way he probably won't come! :)

When I was a little girl she put her needs and her married boyfriend ahead of me needing a father in my life. She waited for this loser of a man for 10 years before he finally divorced his wife and even considered marrying mom. When they did get married, he treated me like unwanted household waste. He just wanted me out of THEIR house. It was a long 5 years for me before I was finally 18, done with High School and out of there. She never once considered how hard it was on me growing up without a father, or having one that disliked me and made my life miserable. It was all about her. Now I'm 44 and we're in the same boat again. This guy doesn't like me, is a horrible role model for my children and offers me nothing in the way of a father figure. Granted, at my age I can give up on having "Daddy" in my life. It's too late and the damage is done, but it would sure be awesome to have a man around who at least liked me! She claims that she is living for HERSELF now and not worrying about what anyone else thinks. What's new??? Her parents hated my step-dad and would hate this freeloading loser even more. I have to just learn to live on without a father and now without a mother. She's never going to be the warm, nurturing person that I need.

Yes. I know that this whole thing is common and I'm not the first grown woman to be orphaned in this way. I just need this outlet to vent and release all of these feelings. Thank God for my wonderful children and B. I would be pretty alone in this world right now if not for them.

So Much For The Secret

So B and I had planned on getting married alone in March and then doing it again for family and friends in the Summer. I posted about that. Well, as we started planning this Wiccan Handfasting it became very clear to us that this is going to be a very beautiful ceremony and I couldn't stand to do it without family and dear friends. B was a little harder to convince, but we're on the same page now. We're going to have a very intimate and solemn ceremony with only close family and the best of our friends. It will be simple and yet incredibly romantic and beautiful. B is so good to me to allow us to have this type of ancient ceremony. His roots are different than mine, but he understands my beliefs and is open to them. He's a little worried about what his dad and brother might think. They are pretty hardcore Christians with seemingly closed minds. I guess it all boils down to the fact that it's OUR wedding and is meant to mean something to US - no one else.

A Handfasting is an ancient Celtic wedding ceremony and it will be very earthy and natural. It's where the term "Tying The Knot" comes from. We will actually have our hands gently bound together ceremoniously by the Priestess. My gown is gorgeous and I will be wearing a matching cloak. His clothing is a little harder to find. We are dressing in the renaissance era clothing. I am thinking a tunic of some sort for him will be best, but have yet to find what I really want.

I am anxious and yet nervous too. There is so much to plan and arrange and so little time, really. My 8 children will be involved in the wedding in some way - probably bringing me to B. His 2 boys will do the same thing - bringing him to me. I am SO anxious to have tons of pictures and I will definitely be sharing them here! Stayed tuned!

Oh HELL yes!!!!

I got the most wonderful news tonight! B called me from Job #1. His voice was so somber and he said he needed to "talk to me about something important." Being a consummate worrier, I immediately thought, "oh no... here goes my heart again." What a dumba$$ I am sometimes!

B proceeded to tell me that he needed my opinion as his wife-to-be on this.... and then he broke the news. The news that would make my soul leap out of my chair and cheer, but I stayed calm and quiet. "I think I need to quit my second job, and I wondered what your feelings are on that?"

ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

My man has been working 15-18 hours per day and sleeping no more than 4 (because of commuting, eating and showering). It's been HELL and I have been really down since he started this before Christmas. We have no family time, he's hard-pressed to ever see his own boys and I feel like all we do is say hello and goodbye from the bed. It's awful. I kept my mouth shut (an amazing feat for Tracy!) and I supported his endeavor for the last almost month now, but inside I could see that this was killing him and it was hard on all of us. Try keeping 4 kids quiet for 4 hours during the morning so someone that's a light sleeper can sleep! Accckk!

Now I can feel good about all of this. I supported my man through this and I kept my thoughts to myself. I don't know that I have ever blindly supported a man before. I have always been very logical and willing to express my sometimes UNneeded opinions. He admitted twice that I had told him at the time he got the 2nd job that this was going to be very hard on him, and that I had been right. He wants to be home with me and the kids more and he's going to give his notice!!!

My heart is dancing and I am so relieved! Hurray!!!!

My Baby Gave Me A Baby!

We talked about it a lot. We waited and decided to put money away, and today my love drove me to Seattle to pick up the little baby to help fill my sad heart. We're too old to have a baby of our own, so we decided on adopting a baby that needs us and is already born and a few weeks old.

She's a little weary here, but you get an idea of how adorable our new baby is!! She's a very good girl so far, pottying outside only and snuggling us. Thank God for my previous experience housetraining and teaching puppies, huh? B is super with her - takes her outside all the time, and cuddles her in his coat to and from the house to keep her warm. I can only dream of how wonderful he would've been with a real baby and a tinge of sadness comes over me, but then I look at Maggie's sad little face and I have to smile again.

I will take some pics with my camera and post them soon! This one was a quickie in the car with my cell phone. Aahhhhh... I'm a mommy again! <3

My baby.. not to be

This one is raw... and I mean RAW. Don't read this if you might be upset or angered. This one if for me... I need a place to vent this pain and this is it.

Today I would be birthing my baby... Most people can't pinpoint the day of birth like me. After having 10 children, I know exactly when I would deliver and got it right with the last 5 babies to the day.

Jocelyn Mae would be here in my arms, safe and loved. If only I had been a real woman. If only I had been courageous and brave. If only I had trusted in the love of the love of my life. IFs... So many IFs....

I broke all of the promises I had made to myself. I went against everything that I believe in. I was selfish, and self-centered and my baby is the one that suffered the consequences. Now I am marrying her daddy - the most precious and wonderful man I have ever known - and we will forever be without our little angel. We will live our life together always knowing that she is missing, and it's no one's fault but mine. I feel about 2" tall right now and there's nothing that can take away this ache. What I would give to have her here in my arms!

I sit here listening to the song that played as the doctor took her from me. It's by Five For Fighting - "What Kind Of World Do You Want?" I kept thinking as I was lying there... "Why are they playing music in this horror chamber? It's not a freaking shopping mall!" This song will haunt me everytime I hear it. The sounds, the images, the sensations.. they all come rushing back to me as I type this. Why is legal for women to do this to their babies? Why do we allow women to be scarred with this pain forever? How could I have done this.....

I didn't share this pain today with anyone but B. He doesn't hold any anger or resentment, as a matter of fact at the time he agreed that it was the wisest thing. Finally late this afternoon I shared the date with my mother. She's the one who went to that awful place with me. She's the one that held my hand. I had refused to bring B to that place and make him experience all of that with me. It stung like hell when mom didn't even say, "I'm sorry". She just continued talking about meaningless dribble.. OUCH. That really hurt. The mother that I have always had as more of a sister is gone. Whether it's her age or her lack of maternal skill or her boyfriend, I don't know. I just know she's gone. I feel very alone in my suffering and yet I know this is the way it should be. I had an opportunity to share the pain with my dearest friend, Jen, and I found myself unable to dump that sadness on her either. I caused this pain and I made my bed, so now i'm going to lie in it.

I will forever wonder if little Jocelyn would've survived. I have low hormone levels and couldn't keep a pregnancy without daily shots of progesterone in 2003, so it may be that I would've miscarried on my own anyway. I'll never know though, because I took matters into my own hands.

I love you, my sweet lost child. I hope you at least know that....