My Intervention Today

I had lunch with Jen and U today at Olive Garden. We had their yummy all you can eat salad, soup and breadsticks. I was starving and ate way too much, but it was good!

At lunch, U started talking to me about B and our upcoming wedding. She says that the whole group of us "karaoke sluts" has been talking about me and the wedding. She says that they are worried that I am marrying B too soon and that I should spend some time alone. I can certainly understand their concern, but on the other hand I have to think that they don't have the whole picture.

My marriage to Jabba has been over (other than on paper) for at least 5 years. I am not proud to say that I have dated plenty and experienced plenty of life in that time period. When I met B I wasn't looking for a mate, a date or a buddy. He came into my life at a time when I had given up and decided to be alone. This is partly how I know that I don't "need" a man in my life to be complete - I do just truly love and adore him. We have been seeing each other since March 22nd, 2008 which is almost a year now. I feel very sure and comfortable with our relationship and I feel that he is my soulmate - the person that I have been waiting for my whole life. If I didn't need medical insurance so desperately, we would both be comfortable with waiting, but because I need that, B wants to get married. I think that's a good enough reason, and seeing that I know he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, it seems reasonable.

I really respect the words of my good friends, so I am taking this to heart. I will definitely be giving this whole thing some more thought. I guess I was just a little surprised that they had all been talking about this. Only rarely do any of them see B outside of the Pheasant Palace where I work. They don't really know him at all and they can't have much of an idea about B and I feel about each other. I am hoping that as they get to know B better and see us together more they will realize how right this is. B works such crappy hours that he isn't around to do stuff with the rest of the group very often.

The main thing to me is that I am indeed SURE of what we have and how we feel about each other. The last thing I want is one more failed marriage. I am going to give this some serious thought.

We May Be Morons

Saturday we drove once again to Seattle, to you guessed it -

TO......

Meet with the Pug breeder that we got our baby Maggie from! We met at the famous Pike Place Market and took a gander at the one and only male from Maggie's litter. Her brother was outrageously cute and B really wanted to get a second puppy, so the guy offered us an amazing deal and off we went with a second "poopy".

Double the cute and YES - double the poop! Maggie loves her big brother, and they play non-stop. He's doing almost as well as her with the house-training and B is the one who takes them out at night and early morning, so I can't complain. He's such a good daddy! You'll notice from the pic of them that Maggie looks a little cranky though -she definitely keeps brother in line.

B wants to name the new baby Malcolm, but he sure looks more like a Pugsly to me. I'm still lobbying...

Here's a shot of us sleeping on Sunday morning. They love their mommy! :)

Maggie is growing!

We've had our baby for two weeks now and she's actually looking a little bit bigger! She's a total doll and loves us so much. She goes potty outside so well and doesn't waste any time when we take her out. It's cold and she doesn't want to freeze! We're crate training her for the most part. She has had a couple of small accidents in the house, but they were either my fault or she was sneaky in the night. We do allow her to sleep in our bed with us. She's just so tiny and it breaks my heart to think of her crying alone in that kennel at night.

Yea.. she's spoiled and it's just fine with us! She has a little wardrobe of darling little clothes and I take her shopping with me in one of those goofy little dog purses. I used to make fun of people that did that and now here I am.... LOL

Maggie is a purebred Pug and she shouldn't get to be much over 14 pounds. She will always be a little ankle biter and she's WAY cute. B is one smart man. He knew that it would help me a lot to not miss our baby, Jocelyn and he is SO right. This little puppy is so needy like a real baby that I feel like I have a baby to nurture right now. It's exhausting but SO good for my heart!

I love Maggie to pieces and it's hard to leave her at home for work even! LOL I'm hopelessly Puggie addicted!

The Patience Of A Saint

I got a little tipsy last night... Ok.. I got SMASHED. I don't do it on a regular basis, but every once in awhile I get blitzed. Jabba volunteered to pick me up and take me to work, so then I knew I was free and clear to have a good time! :) I worked, had fun with friends and by the end of the night I was on my ear!

B, being the patient soul that he is, loaded me into his car, along with my 2nd oldest son. Mitch's girlfriend was supposed to pick him up from the bar but she fell asleep, so we took him home. I was admittedly obnoxious in the car, and even called the cop that I used to "see". Oh boy! B was cool with all of it until I called the cop "baby" on the phone. He then growled at me and said, "I am baby. He is Mr. Officer Sir." LOL LOL LOL I was WAY out of line to call the jerk in the first place, but he had been texting me all night and asked me to call when I was off work. Normally I wouldn't consider calling him at all, but in my stupid drunkenness I called. What a moron...

We dropped my son off and drove home, and B was a doll. He should've been mad at me, but he knows how much I love him and he's secure in that. THANK GOD. I apologized all over the place as I squatted in our front yard for a quick pee. YES - I was DRUNK. B kept trying to convince me that I could make it to our bathroom, but I squatted. Oh Lord... Is there nothing I won't do when I am drunk?? And I'm sharing it here???? Geeez....

The man is a saint, but I think he got a reward for his behavior too, if I am remembering correctly..... LOL

I'm going to be a good girl for a long time now. I got that out of my system. Just old demons and pain cropping back up.

I'm a MORON

I should've never told mom... I just kept imagining this romantic, peaceful and very private wedding and then the nightmare of my mom finding out about it. She would've gone on and on about how terribly I made her feel - leaving her out - and I could've ruined her relationship with B. I know she would've blamed it on him somehow...

So I sat mom down and I told her the truth. We had planned a Summer wedding but now we want to do this in March. She was surprisingly receptive and I was relieved. A few days later she called and offered me her backyard for the handfasting. "WOW", I thought. She's being very kind! That brings me to today when it all came crashing down.

Mom and I went shopping, something we have always done. Mom enjoys spending money more than anything in the world and that has always been "our time" together. Our relationship has been strained to say the least since she hooked up with her alcoholic, toothless, jobless, penniless, homeless, classless and rude as hell "cowboy" boyfriend. Don't cowboys generally deal with livestock and ride horses? He's as much a cowboy as I am a man... Oh well.. I try endlessly to accept him and still I just can't wrap my head around this attractive woman settling for the very first man she meets in a bar after ending her 30 year marriage. My adjectives for describing him are NOT exaggerations - ALL FACTS. It's a miserable situation. Anyway...

On the way home, mom mentioned that I hadn't been sharing any of my wedding plans with her. I told her that I hadn't really accomplished that much. She went on saying that it "hurt her feelings" that I was excluding her from the plans. She has been less than interested in me or my relationship with B, so I didn't have any clue that she might want to know any of it. I immediately apologized for hurting her feelings and explained that I hadn't gotten much done, but would surely share things with her if she is interested. Right away she asked what kind of a ceremony it was and I told her it would be a Wiccan Handfasting. She got a look on her face that told me that she was already mocking it. I felt defensive but kept explaining how we would do the handfasting. I worked hard not to get angry. She chuckled when I explained that I would wear a gothic looking gown with a matching cloak and that's when I decided not to share anything more. I was hurt and angry all at once! I can understand that this is not something that she is familiar with, but she could at least be KIND and supportive, couldn't she??

It's not worth trying to talk to her about this. The woman has no communication skills and she's obviously jealous that she isn't getting married.. yet. I know this is probably going to throw her over the edge and she will now definitely marry this creep she's living with, but that's not my problem. She also said that she wasn't sure that she wanted the wedding at her house and needed to think about it. Well, that's all good because I'm not going to take her up on her offer anyway. We're going to have to find an alternate location - probably a park. I will just have to get a permit for it and that's fine. It's well worth the extra hassle and probably expense to avoid her crap.

I feel like such a dolt now for worrying about her feelings and sharing this information with her. I should've just kept it our private ceremony and left it at that. I don't want her tacky 100% of the time ball-cap wearing, Busch beer drinking boyfriend roaming around during the reception anyway and this way he probably won't come! :)

When I was a little girl she put her needs and her married boyfriend ahead of me needing a father in my life. She waited for this loser of a man for 10 years before he finally divorced his wife and even considered marrying mom. When they did get married, he treated me like unwanted household waste. He just wanted me out of THEIR house. It was a long 5 years for me before I was finally 18, done with High School and out of there. She never once considered how hard it was on me growing up without a father, or having one that disliked me and made my life miserable. It was all about her. Now I'm 44 and we're in the same boat again. This guy doesn't like me, is a horrible role model for my children and offers me nothing in the way of a father figure. Granted, at my age I can give up on having "Daddy" in my life. It's too late and the damage is done, but it would sure be awesome to have a man around who at least liked me! She claims that she is living for HERSELF now and not worrying about what anyone else thinks. What's new??? Her parents hated my step-dad and would hate this freeloading loser even more. I have to just learn to live on without a father and now without a mother. She's never going to be the warm, nurturing person that I need.

Yes. I know that this whole thing is common and I'm not the first grown woman to be orphaned in this way. I just need this outlet to vent and release all of these feelings. Thank God for my wonderful children and B. I would be pretty alone in this world right now if not for them.

So Much For The Secret

So B and I had planned on getting married alone in March and then doing it again for family and friends in the Summer. I posted about that. Well, as we started planning this Wiccan Handfasting it became very clear to us that this is going to be a very beautiful ceremony and I couldn't stand to do it without family and dear friends. B was a little harder to convince, but we're on the same page now. We're going to have a very intimate and solemn ceremony with only close family and the best of our friends. It will be simple and yet incredibly romantic and beautiful. B is so good to me to allow us to have this type of ancient ceremony. His roots are different than mine, but he understands my beliefs and is open to them. He's a little worried about what his dad and brother might think. They are pretty hardcore Christians with seemingly closed minds. I guess it all boils down to the fact that it's OUR wedding and is meant to mean something to US - no one else.

A Handfasting is an ancient Celtic wedding ceremony and it will be very earthy and natural. It's where the term "Tying The Knot" comes from. We will actually have our hands gently bound together ceremoniously by the Priestess. My gown is gorgeous and I will be wearing a matching cloak. His clothing is a little harder to find. We are dressing in the renaissance era clothing. I am thinking a tunic of some sort for him will be best, but have yet to find what I really want.

I am anxious and yet nervous too. There is so much to plan and arrange and so little time, really. My 8 children will be involved in the wedding in some way - probably bringing me to B. His 2 boys will do the same thing - bringing him to me. I am SO anxious to have tons of pictures and I will definitely be sharing them here! Stayed tuned!

Oh HELL yes!!!!

I got the most wonderful news tonight! B called me from Job #1. His voice was so somber and he said he needed to "talk to me about something important." Being a consummate worrier, I immediately thought, "oh no... here goes my heart again." What a dumba$$ I am sometimes!

B proceeded to tell me that he needed my opinion as his wife-to-be on this.... and then he broke the news. The news that would make my soul leap out of my chair and cheer, but I stayed calm and quiet. "I think I need to quit my second job, and I wondered what your feelings are on that?"

ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

My man has been working 15-18 hours per day and sleeping no more than 4 (because of commuting, eating and showering). It's been HELL and I have been really down since he started this before Christmas. We have no family time, he's hard-pressed to ever see his own boys and I feel like all we do is say hello and goodbye from the bed. It's awful. I kept my mouth shut (an amazing feat for Tracy!) and I supported his endeavor for the last almost month now, but inside I could see that this was killing him and it was hard on all of us. Try keeping 4 kids quiet for 4 hours during the morning so someone that's a light sleeper can sleep! Accckk!

Now I can feel good about all of this. I supported my man through this and I kept my thoughts to myself. I don't know that I have ever blindly supported a man before. I have always been very logical and willing to express my sometimes UNneeded opinions. He admitted twice that I had told him at the time he got the 2nd job that this was going to be very hard on him, and that I had been right. He wants to be home with me and the kids more and he's going to give his notice!!!

My heart is dancing and I am so relieved! Hurray!!!!

My Baby Gave Me A Baby!

We talked about it a lot. We waited and decided to put money away, and today my love drove me to Seattle to pick up the little baby to help fill my sad heart. We're too old to have a baby of our own, so we decided on adopting a baby that needs us and is already born and a few weeks old.

She's a little weary here, but you get an idea of how adorable our new baby is!! She's a very good girl so far, pottying outside only and snuggling us. Thank God for my previous experience housetraining and teaching puppies, huh? B is super with her - takes her outside all the time, and cuddles her in his coat to and from the house to keep her warm. I can only dream of how wonderful he would've been with a real baby and a tinge of sadness comes over me, but then I look at Maggie's sad little face and I have to smile again.

I will take some pics with my camera and post them soon! This one was a quickie in the car with my cell phone. Aahhhhh... I'm a mommy again! <3

My baby.. not to be

This one is raw... and I mean RAW. Don't read this if you might be upset or angered. This one if for me... I need a place to vent this pain and this is it.

Today I would be birthing my baby... Most people can't pinpoint the day of birth like me. After having 10 children, I know exactly when I would deliver and got it right with the last 5 babies to the day.

Jocelyn Mae would be here in my arms, safe and loved. If only I had been a real woman. If only I had been courageous and brave. If only I had trusted in the love of the love of my life. IFs... So many IFs....

I broke all of the promises I had made to myself. I went against everything that I believe in. I was selfish, and self-centered and my baby is the one that suffered the consequences. Now I am marrying her daddy - the most precious and wonderful man I have ever known - and we will forever be without our little angel. We will live our life together always knowing that she is missing, and it's no one's fault but mine. I feel about 2" tall right now and there's nothing that can take away this ache. What I would give to have her here in my arms!

I sit here listening to the song that played as the doctor took her from me. It's by Five For Fighting - "What Kind Of World Do You Want?" I kept thinking as I was lying there... "Why are they playing music in this horror chamber? It's not a freaking shopping mall!" This song will haunt me everytime I hear it. The sounds, the images, the sensations.. they all come rushing back to me as I type this. Why is legal for women to do this to their babies? Why do we allow women to be scarred with this pain forever? How could I have done this.....

I didn't share this pain today with anyone but B. He doesn't hold any anger or resentment, as a matter of fact at the time he agreed that it was the wisest thing. Finally late this afternoon I shared the date with my mother. She's the one who went to that awful place with me. She's the one that held my hand. I had refused to bring B to that place and make him experience all of that with me. It stung like hell when mom didn't even say, "I'm sorry". She just continued talking about meaningless dribble.. OUCH. That really hurt. The mother that I have always had as more of a sister is gone. Whether it's her age or her lack of maternal skill or her boyfriend, I don't know. I just know she's gone. I feel very alone in my suffering and yet I know this is the way it should be. I had an opportunity to share the pain with my dearest friend, Jen, and I found myself unable to dump that sadness on her either. I caused this pain and I made my bed, so now i'm going to lie in it.

I will forever wonder if little Jocelyn would've survived. I have low hormone levels and couldn't keep a pregnancy without daily shots of progesterone in 2003, so it may be that I would've miscarried on my own anyway. I'll never know though, because I took matters into my own hands.

I love you, my sweet lost child. I hope you at least know that....