I'm a MORON

I should've never told mom... I just kept imagining this romantic, peaceful and very private wedding and then the nightmare of my mom finding out about it. She would've gone on and on about how terribly I made her feel - leaving her out - and I could've ruined her relationship with B. I know she would've blamed it on him somehow...

So I sat mom down and I told her the truth. We had planned a Summer wedding but now we want to do this in March. She was surprisingly receptive and I was relieved. A few days later she called and offered me her backyard for the handfasting. "WOW", I thought. She's being very kind! That brings me to today when it all came crashing down.

Mom and I went shopping, something we have always done. Mom enjoys spending money more than anything in the world and that has always been "our time" together. Our relationship has been strained to say the least since she hooked up with her alcoholic, toothless, jobless, penniless, homeless, classless and rude as hell "cowboy" boyfriend. Don't cowboys generally deal with livestock and ride horses? He's as much a cowboy as I am a man... Oh well.. I try endlessly to accept him and still I just can't wrap my head around this attractive woman settling for the very first man she meets in a bar after ending her 30 year marriage. My adjectives for describing him are NOT exaggerations - ALL FACTS. It's a miserable situation. Anyway...

On the way home, mom mentioned that I hadn't been sharing any of my wedding plans with her. I told her that I hadn't really accomplished that much. She went on saying that it "hurt her feelings" that I was excluding her from the plans. She has been less than interested in me or my relationship with B, so I didn't have any clue that she might want to know any of it. I immediately apologized for hurting her feelings and explained that I hadn't gotten much done, but would surely share things with her if she is interested. Right away she asked what kind of a ceremony it was and I told her it would be a Wiccan Handfasting. She got a look on her face that told me that she was already mocking it. I felt defensive but kept explaining how we would do the handfasting. I worked hard not to get angry. She chuckled when I explained that I would wear a gothic looking gown with a matching cloak and that's when I decided not to share anything more. I was hurt and angry all at once! I can understand that this is not something that she is familiar with, but she could at least be KIND and supportive, couldn't she??

It's not worth trying to talk to her about this. The woman has no communication skills and she's obviously jealous that she isn't getting married.. yet. I know this is probably going to throw her over the edge and she will now definitely marry this creep she's living with, but that's not my problem. She also said that she wasn't sure that she wanted the wedding at her house and needed to think about it. Well, that's all good because I'm not going to take her up on her offer anyway. We're going to have to find an alternate location - probably a park. I will just have to get a permit for it and that's fine. It's well worth the extra hassle and probably expense to avoid her crap.

I feel like such a dolt now for worrying about her feelings and sharing this information with her. I should've just kept it our private ceremony and left it at that. I don't want her tacky 100% of the time ball-cap wearing, Busch beer drinking boyfriend roaming around during the reception anyway and this way he probably won't come! :)

When I was a little girl she put her needs and her married boyfriend ahead of me needing a father in my life. She waited for this loser of a man for 10 years before he finally divorced his wife and even considered marrying mom. When they did get married, he treated me like unwanted household waste. He just wanted me out of THEIR house. It was a long 5 years for me before I was finally 18, done with High School and out of there. She never once considered how hard it was on me growing up without a father, or having one that disliked me and made my life miserable. It was all about her. Now I'm 44 and we're in the same boat again. This guy doesn't like me, is a horrible role model for my children and offers me nothing in the way of a father figure. Granted, at my age I can give up on having "Daddy" in my life. It's too late and the damage is done, but it would sure be awesome to have a man around who at least liked me! She claims that she is living for HERSELF now and not worrying about what anyone else thinks. What's new??? Her parents hated my step-dad and would hate this freeloading loser even more. I have to just learn to live on without a father and now without a mother. She's never going to be the warm, nurturing person that I need.

Yes. I know that this whole thing is common and I'm not the first grown woman to be orphaned in this way. I just need this outlet to vent and release all of these feelings. Thank God for my wonderful children and B. I would be pretty alone in this world right now if not for them.