My baby.. not to be

This one is raw... and I mean RAW. Don't read this if you might be upset or angered. This one if for me... I need a place to vent this pain and this is it.

Today I would be birthing my baby... Most people can't pinpoint the day of birth like me. After having 10 children, I know exactly when I would deliver and got it right with the last 5 babies to the day.

Jocelyn Mae would be here in my arms, safe and loved. If only I had been a real woman. If only I had been courageous and brave. If only I had trusted in the love of the love of my life. IFs... So many IFs....

I broke all of the promises I had made to myself. I went against everything that I believe in. I was selfish, and self-centered and my baby is the one that suffered the consequences. Now I am marrying her daddy - the most precious and wonderful man I have ever known - and we will forever be without our little angel. We will live our life together always knowing that she is missing, and it's no one's fault but mine. I feel about 2" tall right now and there's nothing that can take away this ache. What I would give to have her here in my arms!

I sit here listening to the song that played as the doctor took her from me. It's by Five For Fighting - "What Kind Of World Do You Want?" I kept thinking as I was lying there... "Why are they playing music in this horror chamber? It's not a freaking shopping mall!" This song will haunt me everytime I hear it. The sounds, the images, the sensations.. they all come rushing back to me as I type this. Why is legal for women to do this to their babies? Why do we allow women to be scarred with this pain forever? How could I have done this.....

I didn't share this pain today with anyone but B. He doesn't hold any anger or resentment, as a matter of fact at the time he agreed that it was the wisest thing. Finally late this afternoon I shared the date with my mother. She's the one who went to that awful place with me. She's the one that held my hand. I had refused to bring B to that place and make him experience all of that with me. It stung like hell when mom didn't even say, "I'm sorry". She just continued talking about meaningless dribble.. OUCH. That really hurt. The mother that I have always had as more of a sister is gone. Whether it's her age or her lack of maternal skill or her boyfriend, I don't know. I just know she's gone. I feel very alone in my suffering and yet I know this is the way it should be. I had an opportunity to share the pain with my dearest friend, Jen, and I found myself unable to dump that sadness on her either. I caused this pain and I made my bed, so now i'm going to lie in it.

I will forever wonder if little Jocelyn would've survived. I have low hormone levels and couldn't keep a pregnancy without daily shots of progesterone in 2003, so it may be that I would've miscarried on my own anyway. I'll never know though, because I took matters into my own hands.

I love you, my sweet lost child. I hope you at least know that....