One more step

B and I woke up today with lots of hope. His marriage has been over for 5 years and he hasn't even lived in the family home for almost 5 years as well, but his divorce had never been filed. It was filed in a neighboring county about 4 months ago. We were SO happy to get it filed so that he could be free on paper as well as in his heart! In our state, there is a 90 day wait and then it is finalized if both parties agree on the settlement. We waited and waited, and still it wasn't finalized. 90 days passed, 100 passed and then 110 days! B called the county and they told him that they were behind in processing them but that it shouldn't be too much longer. The judge in that county signs divorces on mondays, so around lunchtime B called to see if it had been signed yet. It was final last week!!!!!! We were so happy that we almost jumped for joy!!!!!!!

We're set now to be married on schedule and we are ecstatic! 27 days and counting!!!

She died

My last living Grandparent just died.

Grandma died 12 days ago and I didn't even know she had died until I received a letter in the mail yesterday. Pretty cold way to learn that a family member has died, huh? It was quite a shock. My Aunt has my phone number, but I guess she didn't feel that I was worthy of a phone call.

Grandma never really liked me. She favored the grandkids that belonged to her two daughters over me from the son that just couldn't seem to stay married. Besides, I was supposed to be a boy! Grandma's first words to my mom after she gave birth to me were, "So sorry it's a girl." Mom was thrilled with me, and Grandma's words hurt and confused her. So I guess from the beginning I was a disappointment and that never changed.

She never acknowledged my talents in art, music, dance or my intelligence that got me into a University - the first and only one of her grandchildren to do so. I'm not sure why her passing hurts me at all. The woman never cared and never showed me an ounce of maternal love. She called me a "bad daughter" for not accepting anymore of my biological father's (her son) verbal abuse and neglect when I gave up on having a relationship with him and she actually had the nerve to tell me that I have Rheumatoid Arthritis because of the anger and resentment I harbor toward my "dad".

OUCH. It still hurts that this woman, my Grandmother, could never accept or love me. I need to take her power to hurt me away now. She is dead and gone and I will never change her mental confusion about me and who I really am. I guess time will do just that, but today it hurts like hell....

Ooooey Goooey Love

Gawd... I'm in love. It's not perfect, and it's not what I expected, but it's GOOD. I look back now and I can't believe that I almost gave up on this love last Summer. I was so afraid of being hurt that I was ready to throw in the towel and just be alone. I would've missed out on the most amazing man of my life!

It's so terrifying to love again after you've had your heart not just broken, but twisted, mangled and stomped on. I walked around in a haze for months, unable to feel. I know I blogged about Jerry already, so I won't go into all that again. Needless to say, losing him messed me up in a BIG way. I tried it all - lots of men, massive alcohol consumption, even some recreational drug use. Nothing made my heart stop hurting and nothing made me whole again. NOTHING.

When I had given up completely on numbing the pain, and began accepting being alone for the rest of my life, in walked Bill (aka "B"). I knew when I met him that he was special and I found him majorly attractive, but I warned him from the start that I was "messed up" and that my heart was in many pieces. I told him that I would never be able to love him, and we agreed to just date and be friends.

So many times I felt my heart start to love and I would swiftly rip it away from him before it could take hold and flower. It must've been hell for him. He loved me already, and here I was, totally unable to let myself go and trust in him, in us. It was a rough time. I tried to end the relationship twice. I told him to find someone that was whole - that could love him fully - the way he deserved. Both times, he stood by me, waiting patiently.

Wow... we've come so far now! We lost a child, we almost lost us. We struggled through my divorce and his too. Both of our marriages had been over for nearly the same amount of time (5 years) but the actual divorce hadn't been filed yet.

Here we are now a year later and our love is strong, full and continuing to blossom. Every once in awhile I remember the pain and the heartache and I get "cold feet" as Bill calls them, but I couldn't be happier and I know that this is the man that will stay with me through thick and thin. I love him so much and I am so grateful that he is in my life.

Our wedding is only a few weeks away now and I am working hard on getting all of the details worked out. Bill is right by my side, helping me and supporting my every endeavor. I just wanted to share the joy in my heart now where there was so much pain and darkness!