Ooooey Goooey Love

Gawd... I'm in love. It's not perfect, and it's not what I expected, but it's GOOD. I look back now and I can't believe that I almost gave up on this love last Summer. I was so afraid of being hurt that I was ready to throw in the towel and just be alone. I would've missed out on the most amazing man of my life!

It's so terrifying to love again after you've had your heart not just broken, but twisted, mangled and stomped on. I walked around in a haze for months, unable to feel. I know I blogged about Jerry already, so I won't go into all that again. Needless to say, losing him messed me up in a BIG way. I tried it all - lots of men, massive alcohol consumption, even some recreational drug use. Nothing made my heart stop hurting and nothing made me whole again. NOTHING.

When I had given up completely on numbing the pain, and began accepting being alone for the rest of my life, in walked Bill (aka "B"). I knew when I met him that he was special and I found him majorly attractive, but I warned him from the start that I was "messed up" and that my heart was in many pieces. I told him that I would never be able to love him, and we agreed to just date and be friends.

So many times I felt my heart start to love and I would swiftly rip it away from him before it could take hold and flower. It must've been hell for him. He loved me already, and here I was, totally unable to let myself go and trust in him, in us. It was a rough time. I tried to end the relationship twice. I told him to find someone that was whole - that could love him fully - the way he deserved. Both times, he stood by me, waiting patiently.

Wow... we've come so far now! We lost a child, we almost lost us. We struggled through my divorce and his too. Both of our marriages had been over for nearly the same amount of time (5 years) but the actual divorce hadn't been filed yet.

Here we are now a year later and our love is strong, full and continuing to blossom. Every once in awhile I remember the pain and the heartache and I get "cold feet" as Bill calls them, but I couldn't be happier and I know that this is the man that will stay with me through thick and thin. I love him so much and I am so grateful that he is in my life.

Our wedding is only a few weeks away now and I am working hard on getting all of the details worked out. Bill is right by my side, helping me and supporting my every endeavor. I just wanted to share the joy in my heart now where there was so much pain and darkness!