Good grief...

It seems lately that I only blog here when I am really down. I apologize if anyone is reading this... It just seems that things are kind of tough right now.

For months I have been trying to understand and put up with my mother allowing her toothless, jobless, penniless, homeless boyfriend to be rude and disrespectful to me. It happens over and over and she just ignores it. I couldn't figure it out until last night.

I finally asked her point blank - "Why do you allow him to be so rude and disrespectful to me?" to which she clearly answered a simple, "I don't care!" Wow...She doesn't care. He and his opinions are more important than her daughter or her feelings. I guess it's not strange for me to say that this really blew my mind. My mom and I have always been very close - more like sisters. It's hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that she is once again putting her love interest before her child. I'm not asking for him to go out of his way, or even like me, but I do deserve respect. He gives none, and she does nothing about it. If my husband were to be unkind or disrespectful to my mother, I would chew him up one side and down the other. I would never allow that! I know where I stand with her now. I know that I am less important to her than some homeless guy that was living in a cabover camper for 3 years.. OUCH. She loves me only conditionally which is hard for me to fathom. I love my children 100% and would never let someone disrespect them. I've now had two fathers dump me and a mother. I have no sibs, aunts or uncles, so I am alone. THANK GOD I had a bunch of children!

SO I am taking some time off from "mom". I need space and time to grieve and try to heal. I don't want to see her or hear her try to once again defend him. I am done for now with this whole "relationship". Tomorrow is my birthday, so I canceled my birthday party. I don't want to have to see her. I have spent the day crying and wallowing in self-pity, wondering what in the hell is so wrong with me that I don't have any parents that love me. My sons will come by and see me, and that will be great and plenty for me right now.

I just wish I had some tools for dealing with this kind of grief. I never thought I would lose my mother before she even died....

This man...

Just when I think that I can't possibly love my husband more, he opens another channel and my heart floods with a new passion in a new direction for him. Monday he had the day off. We jumped in his car and drove to a mattress store in town to "test drive" them out. We are sleeping in a queen sized mattress and it's not supporting us the way we both need. He works for the company, so we are getting a SCREAMING once a year below cost deal. We spent a long time, lying on different ones, testing which kind of support we need the most. At one point, the bed was SO cushy, and I was so tired (still getting over this nasty cold from hades) that I felt sleepy. "Close your eyes and see if you can sleep," he said. I thought he was being funny, and I chuckled a little bit. He said, "No - I'm here, just rest." So I closed my eyes and drifted in and out of light sleep. I felt his eyes staring at me, and I opened them at one point. He smiled, touched my cheek and said, "I love you SO much and you are everything to me. I think it's gonna make me cry" and tears welled up in his eyes! He's so sweet and loves me with the depth and passion that I love him. I waited SO long to have a man that I felt was my equal in intelligence, passion, love, compassion, values, and so much more and this man is without a doubt my match - my soulmate - my love. He's a man, he's human. He's not perfect and yes, just like me he has flaws, but OH MY GAWD... this man is SO amazing and SO good for my soul. I love him more than life itself and I want only to make him happy and spend the rest of my life loving him. I am so blessed!

Alone

At 44, I have just had a revelation. It's not that mind-boggling really, and the pieces of this revelation have been looming for quite some time now. It's just that all of it came crashing in on me yesterday.

In the last year, I have lost a child, lost my father (he disowned me and walked out of my life forever), I divorced, I remarried, and I lost my mother (for all intents and purposes), I became a grandmother (only to lose the little one to a mom that doesn't want to share him at all with my son or his family) and my chronic illness has severely worsened. It's been one helluva year!

I don't have any siblings, cousins, aunts or uncles. My grandparents are all dead now. So, with the exception of the blessings of my children and my supremely amazing husband, I am ALONE. It's a strange feeling. I don't have any people my age or older that I call family or can count on. I know it's not uncommon at my age, and I'm not saying that this realization is earth-shattering, but I am ALONE. I am admittedly one of those people that hates to be totally alone for any length of time. I love the company of other people and I love to visit and share life with those that I care about.

It's one more stepping stone in the aging process, I guess. No one knows me from when I was little, or skinny or beautiful. I am ALONE. I kinda shudder when I type that.... It's time to start focusing on the blessings of my children. One day grandchildren will come and I will have all of them too! It's still just kind of strange...

More Wedding Pics

For those interested, here are more wedding pics!

And the plot thickens....

Lo and behold, B and I found out yesterday through a nasty call from his ex-wife (NOT a stable or kind person) that our lovely sister-in-law from hell called her and let her know all about our wedding, gave her my full name and address! B hadn't told the ex about our plans to get married because he was honestly fearful that she might try to sabotage it somehow or even show up! She didn't know about me, or have my name or our address even and this holier than thou biotch called her and told her everything! Had "biotch" and "unstable" been friends when she and B were married, it might've made *slightly* more sense for her to call and rant and rave about me and the type of wedding, but these women don't like each other at all! The SIL did this just to betray B and me. B had thought that she liked him, but obviously not. :( I am STEAMING hot now. B's bro actually talked to her on the phone as well (and he despises her) telling her of his concerns for his poor naive bro saying that the "misguided is leading the naive"......

It's bad enough to be a narrow-minded, judgmental ass, but to then slander and gossip about someone to their ex-wife who is known to be mentally unstable is just flat out betrayal and evil as far as I am concerned. THESE ARE CHRISTIANS????? Why is it that the Christians yelling the loudest about how holy and righteous they are, are the worst examples of what Jesus taught? PATHETIC.

I am seriously considering a slander lawsuit now against the SIL. This woman needs to be taught a lesson. I know I couldn't win or get money from it, I just want her to stop her actions and THINK about the ramifications of them! Ideas??

Ignorant morons

I'm still growling.. I knew full well that it was possible that someone would come to our wedding (handfasting) and feel that holier than thou thing. What I didn't realize is that someone would be rude, immature and ignorant enough to walk out of it before it even started!

My husband's brother is a born again Christian and I respect his beliefs. I know that his beliefs keep him living him the kind of life he wants to live, and they also keep in good with his wife. I would never dream of punishing him from his beliefs that differ from mine. His wife is a BIOTCH from hell though. She struts in to our ceremony, sits in the very first row and begins to point, laugh and scoff. At that point the only thing to see was a circle of birdseed on the ground, 1 candle lit at each direction (east, west, etc.) and us standing there in cloaks and nice clothes. The ceremony had not even begun. She immediately demanded that her husband leave with her and on her way out loudly made cracks about "a freak".

I am totally appalled that this woman could call herself a Christian and behave the way she did. She is nothing but a tacky hypocrit as far as I can see. Bill and I went to see his brother after our way too short honeymoon to talk to him and find out what had happened. His brother is a pansy with no communication skills WHATSOEVER and he clammed up like a child. I was calm, kind and just asked what it was that had frightened them so much. He would only say that they were "uncomfortable" and he left to make her happy. What great Christians! I noted to him that Jesus spent his time with those that DID NOT believe as he did. and the dregs of society for that matter, like tax collectors (hated by all) and prostitutes. His only response to that was "don't go there" which means really "I can't explain my shitty behavior, so I don't want to talk about this anymore".... LOL

The brother I will forgive and pity. The wife (my supposed sister-in-law now) I will NOT speak to. She has nothing to offer me or my children and I will NOT subject myself to her stupid, tacky crap. His brother said that he didn't want animosity between us (her and I). Well, then maybe he should've grown some damn balls and made her stay to see that we are pagans, not godless people, and NOT satan worshippers!

GRRRRRRR......