Good grief...

It seems lately that I only blog here when I am really down. I apologize if anyone is reading this... It just seems that things are kind of tough right now.

For months I have been trying to understand and put up with my mother allowing her toothless, jobless, penniless, homeless boyfriend to be rude and disrespectful to me. It happens over and over and she just ignores it. I couldn't figure it out until last night.

I finally asked her point blank - "Why do you allow him to be so rude and disrespectful to me?" to which she clearly answered a simple, "I don't care!" Wow...She doesn't care. He and his opinions are more important than her daughter or her feelings. I guess it's not strange for me to say that this really blew my mind. My mom and I have always been very close - more like sisters. It's hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that she is once again putting her love interest before her child. I'm not asking for him to go out of his way, or even like me, but I do deserve respect. He gives none, and she does nothing about it. If my husband were to be unkind or disrespectful to my mother, I would chew him up one side and down the other. I would never allow that! I know where I stand with her now. I know that I am less important to her than some homeless guy that was living in a cabover camper for 3 years.. OUCH. She loves me only conditionally which is hard for me to fathom. I love my children 100% and would never let someone disrespect them. I've now had two fathers dump me and a mother. I have no sibs, aunts or uncles, so I am alone. THANK GOD I had a bunch of children!

SO I am taking some time off from "mom". I need space and time to grieve and try to heal. I don't want to see her or hear her try to once again defend him. I am done for now with this whole "relationship". Tomorrow is my birthday, so I canceled my birthday party. I don't want to have to see her. I have spent the day crying and wallowing in self-pity, wondering what in the hell is so wrong with me that I don't have any parents that love me. My sons will come by and see me, and that will be great and plenty for me right now.

I just wish I had some tools for dealing with this kind of grief. I never thought I would lose my mother before she even died....