Menopause is from hell

As the months tick on, I realize more and more that my "peri-menopause" is quickly becoming menopause. My cycle continues to be odd and at times damn near frightening. Sometimes I feel "normal" (whatever that really is) and other times I am unbearably sad. I can't seem to kick myself out of these sad funks the way I used to. I can tell that it's artificially-based. Life is good and I am blissfully happy with the man of my dreams! Still I can't seem to shake the blues when they come. Other times my patience is very slim and I can't seem to deal with my kids. They just seem to be talking more than ever and demanding an inordinate amount of time. I know it's not really the way it feels, but I feel so anxious and on-edge that I can barely deal with the normal hubbub of a day. These signs tell me that clearly at 45 I am starting into "the change" as they called it when I was growing up.

I worry that I will be mentally unstable for years on end. My mom's entire personality changed and she became almost what I would term "insane" on occasion. She tells me that research says that daughters usually go through menopause the way their mothers did. I have yet to do the research on this to know if it's true. I just keep hoping that she's flat out wrong. I don't to become a mean, ill-tempered woman - totally out of control and unable to deal with the dramatic hormonal changes in my body. Afterall, I am a much stronger woman than that! Right? Hormones are so powerful. Most of my life I could at least see the changes in myself monthly and try to deal with them. Now I wonder if I will have that same ability. Will I just be a raging bitch to everyone I know? Will everyone hate me and think I have lost my mind? Ok... I'm being over-the-top dramatic, but inside I really do worry if I will lose my mind during this massive transition???

To add injury to insult, there's the nagging grief of never feeling another human being growing, stretching and hiccuping within my body. How can this time of my life just end with such a weak little sigh? Shouldn't there be a party for my body? I have birthed ten children! Shouldn't there be a medal or something for the effort that I made to repopulate the world? I went through so much pain, so much morning sickness, the sciatica nerve pain, the swollen feet and ankles, the hemorrhoids, and then there was birth. I never had one of those heavenly-sounding epidurals or any other type of pain relief! I had most of my babies at home with a fantastic midwife. I don't regret one minute, but there is a certain amount of respect I think that us homebirthing moms' uteruses (uteri?) should receive. How can the hormones just shut down and leave someone so maternal "dry"? It's pretty cold, really. I am grieving and yet don't want to undergo all of that anymore anyway. What kind of a weird thing is that?

Doctors are pretty callous about all of this. They offer me hormone replacement therapy. Oh joy! Those synthetic hormones only make me gain 30 pounds in water weight while raving like a psychotic maniac in anger. Just what I need at this point, right? NO. I guess I just have to take this one day at a time and try to be patient. The goddess is in charge here and I know that my body will do the job it has been assigned to do. I just hope that I can hold on and be patient through each and every day!